The Mental Emotional Health Blog

I have laryngitis today, which makes for some interesting therapy. I’m glad I only have a half day here at work before heading out of the office until Monday.

It seems I’ve been losing my voice about once a year, but this is the second time it’s happened now in the past 4 months or so. Anyway, when I lose my voice it forces me to adjust my communication and obviously influences how my clients respond to me. Since I’m whispering and writing on my dry-erase board instead of talking, sometimes they are more involved and listen more closely. One child I met with this morning tends to be oppositional a decent part of the time, but today I noticed he was whispering back to me as I whispered to him. There are many parents who would love it if their oppositional child whispered instead of yelled. 

If you are a person who tends to raise your voice, you might try whispering on purpose every once in a while to get your point across. I will tell you parents out there, however, that whispering tends to work better with younger children than teens. It works sometimes with my own 4 year old son, but not all the time. The kid knows his dad and some of his “parenting tricks” so that makes parenting more of a challenge for me. By the way, this is a little off-topic but is related: there’s no shame in asking other parents for ideas when it comes to getting and holding your child’s attention.

As far as my “voice”, I’m glad I can type, write, or whisper until I get it back.

Thank you for stopping by, and feel free to leave a comment or question. I would also appreciate it if you spread the word about my little website here. Thanks!

It is helpful to know who supports you in your life.  Several clients I have worked with have gone to unsupportive people in their life to get support, and ended up feeling worse. It may seem obvious when you consider a hypothetical situation, but do you truly differentiate who is supportive of you and who is not?

When I notice this unsupportive pattern in therapy, I suggest writing a 3-column list. The columns are entitled “Supportive”, “Not Sure/Sometimes Supportive”, and “Not Supportive”. Consider several people in your life, and place them in one of the 3 columns. With some people, you may attach a descriptor for certain subjects when a person you know is supportive in one area (i.e. emotional support), and not supportive in another (financial advice). But try to keep the list as simple and useful as possible.

The next time you find yourself needing some support, go to the people in the “Supportive” column and avoid talking about the subject with the “Not Supportive” people. Sometimes a list like this is a good reminder of what you can expect from people.

Say what you need to say at the right time. In my mind, that is the simple explanation of how to be assertive.

Assertiveness seems to have two different definitions in America. One definition is that being assertive is saying whatever you want no matter what, and the other definition is that it’s a new fad that can be the key to managing workplace boardrooms and asking your boss for a raise.

What I am interested in is appropriate assertiveness. Assertiveness is not aggressiveness, which takes on a less respectful tone and is more manipulative and hostile. When you are assertive, you speak your perspective and stand up for yourself. If done correctly in some situations, it is a way to bypass the aggressive-defensive component of conversations. Assertiveness invites a response without demanding a response.

Here is an example involving a hypothetical restaurant customer talking to a server:

Aggressive Customer: Hey! My fork here is dirty! What kind of place are you running here?

Assertive Customer: Hey, my fork here is dirty. I will need a clean fork.

The aggressive approach provokes the server into taking either a defensive stance or a shamed stance, and neither will improve the server’s day.  On the other hand, the assertive approach draws specific attention to a specific problem, and states a simple solution. That provides the server with a clear method of solving the problem.

 For a nice resource on assertiveness, check this out: http://www.emoclear.com/processes/assertiveness.html .

Take care, everyone. Thanks for stopping by!

Parents get frustrated. Kids misbehave. You could probably throw those two nuggets in with the certainty of death and taxes.

In case you didn’t notice, I mentioned parents before children. Parents are the adults, so they have more responsibility. These responsibilities include providing food, shelter, clothing, etc. But just as important are the responsibilities of love, modeling good behavior and healthy habits, and appropriate emotional expression. Parents are supposed to behave and control their emotions before expecting that from their kids.

Of course, emotions parents have are often related to the misbehavior of their children. As a parent and therapist, I am very good at managing and/or hiding my emotions at work or in public. At home, I am not quite as good at managing my emotions. I’m not a raving lunatic or anything like that, but I do have flashes of frustration or anger daily. My kids are 4 and 1, and they do things they aren’t supposed to do. And that will frustrate me if I don’t find them really cute at the moment.

So when it comes to discipline, it is crucial to separate your emotions from acts of discipline. Children must understand that they are being sent to their room for a time-out because their behavior was out of line, not because the adult was upset. Once a child thinks the reason is linked to emotions, he/she will learn to work that angle quite well as they grow into their adolescent years. No wonder so many parents/guardians feel manipulated and that their children don’t make sense.

Be deliberate and consistent in telling your child he/she is important and valued after being sent to a time-out for misbehavior. Concentrate on disciplining the behavior and then support and compliment your child personally. Kids and teens (yes, teens too) need to get the message, “This behavior isn’t acceptable, but you are accepted.” Another important message they need to hear is, “Even when I’m mad, I still love you.” For those of you who really struggle with confidence when it comes to applying appropriate discipline, remember this: Children need unconditional love, not unconditional tolerance of behavior. 

What’s the most challenging part of assessing yourself? Being objective about it. Still, it is a great skill to have in order to grow as a person. In my thinking (pun intended), it is near impossible to not be at least a little subjective in viewing yourself. 

A subjective view depends on the subject (i.e. the person), and you can think of being subjective as similar to looking through your own personal lens that focuses or limits your perspective. An objective view focuses on the object, which is a reality-based observation without bias. So being objective is similar to looking without a lens. You see what you see; no more, no less.

I hope I don’t get too confusing here, but recognizing that you are being subjective helps you to be more objective. As a therapist I love the word “metacognition” because every day I train my clients to develop it as a skill, and try to use it myself. Metacognition is defined as “awareness or analysis of one’s own learning or thinking processes” (http://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/metacognition) . The better you can be aware of how you think, the more accurate you can be in knowing your personal strengths and weaknesses, and how you learn best in any situation.

If you can analyze and manage your own thought patterns, you can manage your emotions since emotions are tied so closely to thoughts. People who are annoyed or frustrated can persuade themselves to become angry with their thoughts, especially if they convince themselves they have a right to be angry. People that have panic attacks can learn to calm down with self-soothing words to self, or at least can learn to not make their panic attacks worse.

So here’s an interesting activity: watch a commercial, and during those 30 seconds or so take notes or talk into a tape recorder. Record only your thoughts, whether they shifted around to different subjects or stayed focused, any memories that came to mind, etc. Then check your notes about an hour later and assess what you recorded. As you get more familiar with how the process works, apply it to several situations and see what you find. For me, some days I can shift quickly to metacognition without taking notes, and other days I need to take notes or I’ll forget most of what I was thinking. Don’t be discouraged if your note-taking or recording doesn’t keep up with your thoughts. Your mind is quicker than you can write or talk.

I hope you all have a great weekend!