The Point Is Not The Issue
A great understanding I gained during graduate school was the idea of content vs process in communication. Content is the “what”, process is the “how”. When a parent/guardian talks to their teen, there are times a parent says something like, “We need to talk about . . .” The parent is focused on a subject (content), whether it is a messy room, refusal to do homework, use of inappropriate language, or concern about alcohol/use. The teen can disrupt the conversation by focusing on how the conversation happens (process) instead of what the subject is. Since I love example dialogues, I’ll provide one below. The italicized statements are the thoughts behind what the teen says:
Parent: We need to talk about your grades.
Teen: I don’t want to talk about my grades. I don’t want to talk about my grades, so I’ll ignore the “need” part and switch the conversation to what I don’t want instead.
P: I know, but we need to figure something out. You’re failing 2 classes.
T: Not anymore. I brought those up already. They didn’t go for the need-want switch. No big deal, I’ll just use a different angle.
P: But I just called your math teacher yesterday, and she said you still have 8 assignments missing. Don’t lie.
T: She hates me, you know. She told me. This is just a matter of time, now. I can easily misdirect the topic to the teacher, the actual number of assignments missing, or create an argument about lying.
P: She doesn’t hate you, honey. She actually sounded very nice and wanted to help.
T: Yes, she does hate me. You don’t know what class is like. I’ll play this teacher thing out until they catch on and try to get back to the main point. But I also threw out a truth my parent can’t dispute: my parent doesn’t know what it is like in class. Let’s see if they take the bait.
P: Okay, I still don’t think she hates you. But getting back to these assignments, how can you have missed 8 this quarter?
T: I’m not missing 8. It’s more like 5. Well, parent didn’t take the bait on knowing what class is like. So I’ll dispute the actual number of assignments. We’re nowhere close to me actually having to show responsibility or create a plan. We’re just arguing details. It’s so easy. And the frustration is rising, which will help.
P: That’s not the point! I don’t care how many you haven’t handed in yet, you need to hand them in and stay on top of this!
T: Oh, so you don’t care. Nice. Frustration is going well, now I need to move it into anger and I’ll start working on ending the conversation so I can play video games.
P: Oh, don’t you dare do that. You know what I meant. Either you start handing these in or we’re unplugging the XBox.
T: You can’t do that! This is so stupid. That’s not fair. This is stupid. Now I’m going to really cross the line. I’m waiting for the verbal cue so I can react instead of starting it.
P: Alright, let’s try to be respectful here.
T: Awesome, here we go! Well, it’s total bullsh–! First my teacher lies. And yes, she does hate me. She waits for me by the door and marks me tardy if I’m even 1 second late! I’m sick of all this! I don’t want to be around you right now! And I’m not giving respect because I never get any respect!! Once the word respect comes up in any form, it’s a wall I can knock over. Parents tend to lose all arguments with respect as the topic. We have touched on several different subjects instead of the original point parent started with, and later I can still say we already talked about school.
The conversation can keep going from here, or can end somehow. Notice how the teen continually shifted the point, while the parent was stuck on individual topics. The teen became more confident as the parent got more frustrated.
What can parents do?
- Determine a clear purpose for yourself before starting the conversation.
- Start with one point and stick to it for the conversation, redirecting back to the topic. One way to do that is to say something like, “We can look at that once we’re done with <first topic>.” Just don’t forget.
- State your point and then listen as much as is appropriate to the conversation. Whoever talks more generally loses power in communication.
- Find a way to give a specific compliment. It helps a parent to avoid the whole “I can’t do anything right” argument before it starts.
- Manage your emotions better than your teen. A teen senses verbal victory when the parent starts to have a grown-up tantrum.
- Don’t take the bait of the profanity and respect arguments while discussing another topic. Those should be separate conversations anyway.
- Try to figure out what the teen is avoiding.
Many parents focus on content at the expense of noticing how the conversation process develops. Increasing your awareness should help.
Devin~
This is really helpful and as a parent of a late teen/young adult I have found myself handling situations like this with varying degrees of success~
One thing a therapist said to me was that “teens are not invested in having a logical argument or discussion with you as friend or even a stranger would be so, say your point and ignore all of the attempts the teen uses to move the conversation away from that topic”
At some point, it would be helpful to me to see a snippet of how the conversation might go differently if the parent were to put your advice into action.
For me it seems that when I use one technique that is fairly successful my teen throws something else at me that I don’t expect - then I’m left scrambling on my feet trying to figure out how to react in the middle of a conversation. Rather than having a quiet, planned and unemotional conversation, I’m then thrust into exactly where my teen wants me, raising my voice, feeling frustrated and off-balance.