The Mental Emotional Health Blog

Choc’late chip cookies;

Get a big, cold glass of milk

That is enjoyment.

Photo credit: http://www.flickr.com/photos/amorsintetico/1435715351

I’m in a scattered frame of mind today, so this entry might be a little raw. 

As I have probably mentioned before in other posts, expectations are a big part of relationships. Whether we are aware of it or not we expect our significant other to act their age.

Thing is, a person can have a different mental age than emotional age. Some people in their 20’s are mentally in their 20’s, but emotionally seem stuck in the teen years. Some couples are emotionally matched well, at similar emotional ages, but mentally might differ quite a bit. Situations where a couple is unbalanced mentally or emotionally are challenging.

Emotional age imbalances in couples seem to be more frustrating. In my therapy office I have found that if two people are at different mental ages, they can usually develop a middle ground for communication and understanding each other. If they are emotionally unbalanced though, we’re usually in for a longer challenge.

Individuals often get “stuck” at certain emotional ages due to trauma, abuse, or poor relationships. In these cases, the person needs to learn how to identify their emotions and be able to express them. My metaphor for this is learning to ride a bicycle. As a person is learning how to feel and express emotion he/she has trouble staying balanced, as in getting a feel for riding a bike. Once that balance is learned, a person doesn’t forget it. With emotions, once a person learns how to express what they feel and why, they generally won’t forget how. It will be tough sometimes and mistakes will be made, but few roads in life are smooth. 

Some ways to get more familiar with emotions, and being able to express them, are:

• drawing or sketching pictures
• journaling
• writing a blog
• sculpting
• woodworking
• martial arts
• talking to an emotionally person you can trust
• crying
• yelling (into a pillow if you don’t want to be loud)
• awareness of body sensations (example: When I’m angry, my face feels hot and I clench my teeth.)
• meditation

Can an emotionally immature person catch up in a relationship? Yes, and it will take some effort and time. Also, the more emotionally mature person in the relationship ideally should not be the primary one to help the other increase his/her emotional age. It may sound strange, but often that situation adds the element of a teacher role, or in some cases a parental role. That can maintain the unbalanced dynamic between two people.

Please rate me! Or at least feel free to rate my blog. I like blogs where you can rate the posts, so I added this ability for all of you (which probably means both of my loyal readers). Sincerely though, I’d like to see ratings of my entries so I know what people find helpful and interesting.  One of my main reasons for starting this blog was to improve my writing, so be honest. Comments would be even better, but I know everyone is busy so don’t sweat it.

 Thanks, everyone!

In relationships, people want to be able to trust and generally prefer to avoid anger. In trust situations for couples, demonstrating and holding trust can be tricky when emotions are up. But there are times that a person will actually damage trust by using the excuse of avoiding anger.

Example: Person A finds a credit card receipt in Person B’s car. The receipt is for a hotel in the city where A & B live together. A fears the worst, that B met someone at the hotel. When A asks B about the receipt, B replies, “Oh, that. It’s my co-worker’s receipt from the other day.” A doubts B’s story, especially since A’s name is the one on the receipt. So A waits for B to tell A what was really going on. At this point, trust is already damaged of course. After some more concerned questions from A, B tells the truth. B admits that the friend used the credit card as a favor since the friend forgot to bring a credit card and had just run out of checks. B didn’t use the hotel for anything improper. When A asks B why B lied, the response is, “I didn’t want you to get mad”, or “I thought you would get mad”.

In this case, Person B was innocent of the worst, and basically just made a financial decision without informing or consulting the other. Person A did not know that at first, but could tell something was being hid and lied about. Deceit and dishonesty are much more harmful to trust than anger over a questionable financial decision. Anger can come and go relatively quickly compared to the time it takes to rebuild trust that was lost.

Short entry today, since I’m worn out after a long week.

As a therapist, I pretty much picture myself as a sponge. I soak up all kinds of stress, tension, and emotions each day in the therapy office. Most of the time, I can “wring” out  the thoughts I have about a therapy day once I walk out the door. So I don’t often think about clients away from the office. The tension and stress stay with me, and I need to deal with those things outside of work. Dealing with the mental-emotional residue is a lot easier to do if your clients are likable people, and thankfully most of mine are.