The Mental Emotional Health Blog

Teenagers are famous for being difficult to talk with at times. Some of them are experts on changing the subject, talking in circles, or being literal to annoying levels. Teens don’t have a monopoly on avoiding the point of a conversation, but I will use that age group as an example today. Just remember that not every teen fits into this grouping.

A great understanding I gained during graduate school was the idea of content vs process in communication. Content is the “what”, process is the “how”. When a parent/guardian talks to their teen, there are times a parent says something like, “We need to talk about . . .” The parent is focused on a subject (content), whether it is a messy room, refusal to do homework, use of inappropriate language, or concern about alcohol/use.  The teen can disrupt the conversation by focusing on how the conversation happens (process) instead of what the subject is. Since I love example dialogues, I’ll provide one below. The italicized statements are the thoughts behind what the teen says:

Parent: We need to talk about your grades.

Teen: I don’t want to talk about my grades.  I don’t want to talk about my grades, so I’ll ignore the “need” part and switch the conversation to what I don’t want instead.

P: I know, but we need to figure something out. You’re failing 2 classes.

T: Not anymore. I brought those up already. They didn’t go for the need-want switch. No big deal, I’ll just use a different angle.

P: But I just called your math teacher yesterday, and she said you still have 8 assignments missing. Don’t lie.

T: She hates me, you know. She told me. This is just a matter of time, now. I can easily misdirect the topic to the teacher, the actual number of assignments missing, or create an argument about lying.

P: She doesn’t hate you, honey. She actually sounded very nice and wanted to help.

T: Yes, she does hate me. You don’t know what class is like. I’ll play this teacher thing out until they catch on and try to get back to the main point. But I also threw out a truth my parent can’t dispute: my parent doesn’t know what it is like in class. Let’s see if they take the bait.

P: Okay, I still don’t think she hates you. But getting back to these assignments, how can you have missed 8 this quarter?

T: I’m not missing 8. It’s more like 5. Well, parent didn’t take the bait on knowing what class is like. So I’ll dispute the actual number of assignments. We’re nowhere close to me actually having to show responsibility or create a plan. We’re just arguing details. It’s so easy. And the frustration is rising, which will help.

P: That’s not the point! I don’t care how many you haven’t handed in yet, you need to hand them in and stay on top of this!

T: Oh, so you don’t care. Nice.  Frustration is going well, now I need to move it into anger and I’ll start working on ending the conversation so I can play video games.

P: Oh, don’t you dare do that. You know what I meant. Either you start handing these in or we’re unplugging the XBox.

T: You can’t do that! This is so stupid. That’s not fair. This is stupid. Now I’m going to really cross the line. I’m waiting for the verbal cue so I can react instead of starting it.

P: Alright, let’s try to be respectful here.

T: Awesome, here we go!  Well, it’s total bullsh–! First my teacher lies. And yes, she does hate me. She waits for me by the door and marks me tardy if I’m even 1 second late! I’m sick of all this! I don’t want to be around you right now! And I’m not giving respect because I never get any respect!! Once the word respect comes up in any form, it’s a wall I can knock over. Parents tend to lose all arguments with respect as the topic.  We have touched on several different subjects instead of the original point parent started with, and later I can still say we already talked about school.

The conversation can keep going from here, or can end somehow. Notice how the teen continually shifted the point, while the parent was stuck on individual topics. The teen became more confident as the parent got more frustrated.

What can parents do?

1. Determine a clear purpose for yourself before starting the conversation.
2. Start with one point and stick to it for the conversation, redirecting back to the topic. One way to do that is to say something like, “We can look at that once we’re done with <first topic>.” Just don’t forget.
3. State your point and then listen as much as is appropriate to the conversation. Whoever talks more generally loses power in communication.
4. Find a way to give a specific compliment. It helps a parent to avoid the whole “I can’t do anything right” argument before it starts.
5. Manage your emotions better than your teen. A teen senses verbal victory when the parent starts to have a grown-up tantrum.
6. Don’t take the bait of the profanity and respect arguments while discussing another topic. Those should be separate conversations anyway.
7. Try to figure out what the teen is avoiding.

Many parents focus on content at the expense of noticing how the conversation process develops. Increasing your awareness should help.

As I explained in a couple entries last week, I’ve been listening to The Secret on audio CD. Over the weekend, my mind shifted from just gathering the main message from the book to considering applications.

If a person’s thoughts attract things into their life, what about someone with Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder whose thoughts tend to be repetitive? My guess is the author might say that the fear and anxiety a person with OCD experiences will magnify those feelings to the extent that they dominate functioning.  

Examples:   

Person “A.” feels the compulsion to clean the kitchen and will feel extremely anxious if she doesn’t clean the kitchen. By continuing to think, “I need to clean. I need to clean. I need to clean . . .”, she is feeding her own perceived need, and the anxieties that go along with it.

Person “B.” has an intense fear of germs, and he refuses to leave his home. If his thoughts are, “I’ll be contaminated if I go outside. I’ll be contaminated if I go outside . . .”, he may actually get physically sick if he leaves his home because he attracted sickness to himself.

These are only brief guesses at what author Rhonda Byrne might say about OCD. I am still getting through her book, and this is one of the ways I integrate what I read or hear into my thinking.

One of the fun things about this blogging process is that I can connect with people from all over the world. Sarah Scrafford is a person I just recently started networking with. She has written some interesting articles at www.rncentral.com . I am proud to introduce her today as my first guest contributor at The Mental Emotional Health Blog. You will probably see more guests sharing their thoughts and feelings as time goes by. For now, here is Sarah’s article to enjoy. You can check out more of her writing through the link in her by-line at the bottom. Thank you, Sarah!~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The Chords that Bind Body and Mind 

Music has charms to soothe the savage beast – so said William Congreve, and from personal experience, I have to agree with him. Now I’m certainly no savage beast, although I do have a temper that I let go sometimes. And at times when my emotions run wild, music does do more than its part to calm me down and put me back on an even keel.  Long before Congreve even walked this earth, thousands and thousands of years ago when man was first developing a language to communicate, mothers hit upon the truth that soothing lullabies could rock even the crankiest babies to sleep. And I read a while ago (courtesy, the Annals of the New York Academy of Sciences) that music, especially tunes that are favorites, has powers to enhance cognition and memory and also improve physical health and immunity. Well, I’m no expert on the relationship between music and the cognitive enhancement process, but I do wish to share the following observations:        

• Music and memories are twisted together like the rings of a pretzel – every familiar song is laden with nostalgia takes you back to where or when you heard it first or reminds you of someone you heard it with or sang it for. The depth of feeling that overwhelms you depends on the impact that memory has made on you and on how much it still affects you. 
• Music does a great job of drawing out emotions hidden deep inside your soul – upbeat and happy tunes make you want to dance if you’re in a good place in your life; if you’re not, well, you want to just shut that wailing out! Sad songs with depressing lyrics make you want to cry if you’re going through a situation that empathizes with that described by the song. And sometimes, a good cry is all you need – it’s therapeutic and helps you move on from the sorrow. 
• One man’s music is another’s poison – how often have you fought with siblings or parents or friends over the choice of radio station in the car? And if I had a penny for the number of parents who did not see eye to eye on their offspring’s choice of music, I’d be a billionaire even speaking conservatively. 
• People who love the same kind of music are drawn to each other – probably a recipe for marriages made in heaven. 
• There are some kinds of music that you fall in love with at first bite (sound) and others that grow on you like the mangy mutt that followed you home and looked at you with adoring eyes. 
• Some songs make you want to sing along, even if you can’t carry a tune to save yourself and even if you don’t know the lyrics.  

Music, in any form, is attractive to some person or the other. It’s been proved that soft and melodious music improves overall wellbeing in people who have been diagnosed with mental illnesses. Mental affliction or not, music does create its own magic in the listener’s soul.  

By-line:  This article is contributed by Sarah Scrafford, who regularly writes on the topic of Care Plans. She invites your questions and writing job opportunities at her personal email address: sarah.scrafford25@gmail.com.

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I am now in chapter 4 of The Secret by Rhonda Byrne. It’s still keeping my attention, and I look forward to my morning drives and lunch hours so I can listen.

Two things stood out for me from this book as I listened yesterday and this morning:

1. If we frequently think, “I don’t have enough time”, then we will keep feeling that way. Conversely, if we start thinking, “I will have enough time”, we will find more time in the day. I am trying this out, mostly to see if I become more efficient or limit myself from rushing around.
2. Gratitude is powerful. If we are thankful all the time, from the moment we wake up and throughout the day, we will draw positive things to us.

These are points I took from the book, not exact quotes. But overall, that’s what I understood. One thing I like about The Secret so far is that it is presented as a positive way of life, not just a set of things to do to feel better.

I just bought the audio version of The Secret by Rhonda Byrne over the weekend. My wife’s mother had read it a while ago and she made it sound compelling, and I have read a few things about the book more recently. I figured I’d see what the buzz is about.

So far, I am in Chapter 2 (I love “reading” a book by hearing it sometimes). I put it in my car this morning and off to work I went.

First thoughts: I am intrigued. The Secret is presented as a universal law of attraction, which basically every great person in history used. The more you think positively, the more positive things you attract. If you think passionately and consistently enough, you can gain anything you want. It kind of sounds to me like “I think, therefore I am”, only more detailed. Also, if you consistently have negative or fearful thoughts, you attract those things as well.

It’s possible that this will turn into a book review, spread out over several entries, or just a one-time little blurb here. So far, though, I am interested in hearing more about The Secret. I’d also like to hear from any of you who have read the book.