The Mental Emotional Health Blog

Are you best at letting things change, making things change, or avoiding change?

A friend of mine has been frustrated lately with someone asking personal questions, with the obvious intent of getting info for gossip. That got me thinking about different ways to handle questions that aren’t anyone’s business. I thought I’d offer a few ideas:

1) After the person mentions something personal about you they heard from someone, say something like, “I heard that you just can’t stay away from gossip.”

2) Once you can tell the person is starting an inappropriately/private question, dart your eyes back and forth several times between their eyes and their mouth, ear, or hair. Once they ask what you’re looking at, say, “Oh, it’s nothing.” After they ask, “What?” just keep denying it’s anything important. They could be self-conscious for hours.

3) Get a thoughtful look on your face, look up and say as if you’re thinking out loud, “I am trying to figure out if that’s something I want to talk about with you, here at work, in front of all these other people. I’m also wondering why you want to know.” Then give them your full attention again. If they keep at it, say directly to the person: “Now I’m wondering if you are just looking for gossip you can spread to whoever wants to listen.”

4) Be sincere and direct, “I think that’s something for me and my <family/significant other> to figure out, don’t you?”

5) “Do you want me to email you the answer to your question, or should I send a press release to the TV stations in town so everyone knows?” Say this jokingly, and if the person persists get a little more serious and say, “Oh, you seriously want me to answer that? That is funny.”

Have fun with it. You don’t have to let a gossip wreck your day.

Anger management is not hoping that you won’t be angry. So give yourself a good chance to diffuse anger by expecting that you will, in fact, get angry. I have worked with several clients, male and female, that have worked on their anger and then get surprised when they get angry again (For example: “I got mad again last night, so this stuff didn’t work!”). That is when I explain what might be obvious to some: Anger management is learning to manage the anger reactions you will have, not eliminating anger as an emotion.

The next time you feel stressed, frustrated, or annoyed in a specific situation, tell yourself that you are going to get angry, accept it, and then figure out how you want to handle it appropriately. Then you’ll have a better chance to manage your anger and will allow your rational brain to stay involved in the process.