The Mental Emotional Health Blog

The parent of a grade school student recently presented me with this question: What is the difference between listening and not giving in? This is a great question that therapists like me love to explain.

The simple answer is if listening and giving in seem to be directly linked, then you are not listening well enough. Listening is not about making a decision or setting limits, it is more about trying to hear what your child is saying, and understanding it from a child’s perspective.

Remember, children are less experienced in using rational thinking skills than adults. Many times, they are trying to make sense of things. What children often don’t realize yet is that they are being self-centered. Learning to think for yourself is crucial to development. Children need time to learn how to bounce between their own perspective and others quickly.

Back to the original question, though. Giving in happens after a parent either says “no” or “do this”, and then backs off. A parent typically has a good reason for saying “no”, and that reason doesn’t usually change during a conversation. But from the child’s point of view, if a parent gives in then maybe the reason wasn’t that important in the first place. Kids can feel invincible, and doubt that anything bad will happen if they want something. As grown-ups, we have a better understanding that there are risks involved because we think more rationally and have more life experience. Grown-ups also tend to think not only about what a risk might be at the time, but what the probable consequences will be.

In general, a child is more likely to accept a parent’s decision if the child feels listened to. Sometimes a valuable statement from a parent can be, “You are making sense here; I am just not convinced yet.” That can avoid the “no” trigger. There are daily power struggles between children and parents. If you feel your frustration building in a conversation with your child,  assess how well you are actually listening. If that doesn’t get you too far and it is simply a battle of wills, tell yourself that you have the patience to outlast a child.

Young children can sometimes have nightmares, and also can have what are called night terrors. Here are some questions I received recently on the subject:

1.  What is the difference between nightmares and night terrors, and what are some common causes of night terrors? Both are scary dreams for children, and may happen during times of stress, or after stressful events. Nightmares and night terrors are not typically caused by mental illness. Kids with strong imaginations and creativity may be more likely to experience them. The differences between them are: night terrors happen during deep sleep, deep enough that a child may sit up screaming with his or her eyes wide open, the child may sleepwalk. They often are inconsolable, they sometimes don’t respond to questions like “What’s wrong?” and saying, “It is okay” doesn’t really register with them. Another point: children generally do not remember the content of night terrors.
2.  If your child commonly suffers from night terrors, what is something that you can do to help reduce/get rid of their night terrors? During the daytime hours, listen to your child supportively if there was a recent emotional or traumatic event; maybe invite your child to draw pictures if it is tough for him or her to talk things out at first. You can also set aside a special stuffed animal that a child can sleep with for comfort. Night terrors usually stop by themselves as the child gets older. An important note about safety is be sure to keep toddler gates on staircases, keep outside doors locked, and don’t use bunk beds.
3.  Is there ever a time that you should seek medical advice for a child’s night terrors? You can talk with a child psychologist or therapist to discuss your concerns. If your child receives an injury while sleepwalking, talk with your doctor. If the night terrors or nightmares happen nightly, your doctor may want to do a sleep study on the child.

Here is a nice, straightforward resource on the subject: http://familydoctor.org/online/famdocen/home/children/parents/common/common/566.html

Here in Wisconsin it is quite cold. This Thursday we expect a high temperature that is below zero degrees (Fahrenheit). Sometimes when it’s this cold people lose interest in their exercise routines, and in New Year’s resolutions that might have been made. Personally, I like simplicity in motivation. So here is an article I found today on staying motivated:

http://health.yahoo.com/experts/healthieryou/7471/jillian-michaels-motivation-tricks/

For those of you who don’t know who Jillian Michaels is, she is a fitness pro who was featured on the weight-loss television show, The Biggest Loser. There is more info on her at her website: http://jillianmichaels.com/meet-jillian.aspx .

I like her 5-step easy-to-follow, direct approach to staying motivated. At the same time, try to remember that the more time you spend trying to get motivated, the less likely you are to take action anyway. Nike really had it right when they used the slogan, “Just Do It.”

Dreams fascinate me. Okay, sometimes they fascinate me and other times they just don’t make sense. But dreams are another reminder that we are all definitely human and not some kind of machine that shuts on and off.

I have asked many clients about dreams they have, typically during intake if I think of it. Usually I ask how their sleep is overall and then ask if they have nightmares, bad dreams, or any recurring dreams. It’s the recurring dreams that get most of my attention, since I have come to believe that those dreams repeat so our mind can try to make sense of something. On the other hand, maybe our mind figured something out but we have been resisting the acceptance of it.

Anyway, I found an interesting article today that I’d like to share with you. The link is: http://www.divinecaroline.com/article/22201/62493-six-reasons-dreams , and in the article, Brie Cadman presents “Six Reasons We Have Bad Dreams”. I would offer one more: watching a disturbing or scary movie before bedtime.

I would also recommend the DivineCaroline.com site in general, since I have noticed there is quality writing about many life areas. Check it out!