Parenting: Listening Without Giving In
The simple answer is if listening and giving in seem to be directly linked, then you are not listening well enough. Listening is not about making a decision or setting limits, it is more about trying to hear what your child is saying, and understanding it from a child’s perspective.
Remember, children are less experienced in using rational thinking skills than adults. Many times, they are trying to make sense of things. What children often don’t realize yet is that they are being self-centered. Learning to think for yourself is crucial to development. Children need time to learn how to bounce between their own perspective and others quickly.
Back to the original question, though. Giving in happens after a parent either says “no” or “do this”, and then backs off. A parent typically has a good reason for saying “no”, and that reason doesn’t usually change during a conversation. But from the child’s point of view, if a parent gives in then maybe the reason wasn’t that important in the first place. Kids can feel invincible, and doubt that anything bad will happen if they want something. As grown-ups, we have a better understanding that there are risks involved because we think more rationally and have more life experience. Grown-ups also tend to think not only about what a risk might be at the time, but what the probable consequences will be.
In general, a child is more likely to accept a parent’s decision if the child feels listened to. Sometimes a valuable statement from a parent can be, “You are making sense here; I am just not convinced yet.” That can avoid the “no” trigger. There are daily power struggles between children and parents. If you feel your frustration building in a conversation with your child, assess how well you are actually listening. If that doesn’t get you too far and it is simply a battle of wills, tell yourself that you have the patience to outlast a child.
This is very helpful, because often we as parents don’t remember that children are just beginning the process of learning how to think like adults. We expect them to be miniature adults in their concept development, and they are not.
This is why we have found it so helpful to teach principles of emotions in our home. We have ten children, and surely do have a range of emotions at any given time!
I have found that when I focus on understanding what my child is FEELING, and not concentrate on what they are explaining as details to the situation, then they calm down. When their feelings are understood and they KNOW their feelings are understood, they are more able to separate their feelings from the situation, and discuss the situation rationally. This gives me an opportunity to teach princples to them. But until they feel understood (in terms of their feelings) they simply can’t separate their feelings from the situation, and so it’s a no-win situation for both child and parent.
Janet Summit
http://www.peacethroughprincples.com