The Mental Emotional Health Blog

I really do think people mean well most of the time. The idea for this post came to me after I spoke with one of my friends the other day. She and her husband are expecting their first child in a few months. That got me thinking about all the “wisdom” expecting parents and new parents receive. I myself am a father of a 5 year old and 2 year old. Despite being a guy, I have learned some things.

My first thought was that a lot of this “wisdom” is unsolicited. Here’s a fictional example (which many can relate to):

Expectant Parent: We’re expecting in a few months and we’re so excited!

Self-Appointed Authority on Parenting: That’s great! You know your life is going to be completely different. Are you ready?

EP: I think so. We’ve almost got the baby’s room all set up and people have been great with getting us all the things we’ll need.

SAAP: Uh-huh. Do you have a baby wipe warmer yet? You have to have that you know.

EP: Umm . . . no, not yet. But we can still put it on the baby register.

SAAP: Okay. You should probably do it soon so you don’t forget. You probably won’t be remembering everything for a while, or never again after you actually become a parent. What kind of car seat did you get?

EP: We decided on <insert model here>.

SAAP: Oh. Okay, well make sure you put in the car the right way. Sometimes you think you have it in there but it’s not according to requirements.

I dramatized that a little, I admit. But isn’t it amazing how people trying to be supportive end up trying to prepare expectant parents instead, and freak them out instead?

It doesn’t stop there either. After the child is born and the new parents are thankful for this wonderful child, the lectures keep coming. It doesn’t matter that fatigue, sleeplessness, and the daily need to adapt to a major life change are ever-present. The “support” typically comes in comments like these:

Cherish these moments because children grow up fast.

Just wait until 2 years from now.

Just wait until they are teenagers.

You won’t ever sleep well again. Even after they’re 18, you’ll still worry about what they’re up to late at night.

Have you learned the correct breast-feeding method?

Make sure you burp the baby the right way.

It’s a lot easier to be supportive to new parents by keeping support simple and direct. Try asking if they need anything, or reminding them you are there if they do need something over the next few months. That is simply more helpful. No one is completely prepared for the transition to parenting, and it’s not your job to remind them of that.

As we grew up, most of us had daydreaming scolded out of us. Actually, what I should say is that the idea that daydreaming is okay was scolded out of us. We all daydream. Plus, I think daydreaming is useful and healthy when used correctly.

Daydreaming allows you to escape your current situation, whether it is boring, frustrating, or you just don’t want to be there. It’s like a free vacation for a few minutes. Now obviously you shouldn’t get into deep daydreaming while you are driving. But in general, as long as you get the things done you need to, why not allow yourself the freedom to have some pleasant thoughts?

People that struggle with anxiety often have difficulty limiting their daydreaming, and the thoughts tend to be negative. The way to fight anxious thoughts is to find a variety of quick, soothing thoughts to combat them. It’s kind of like “finding your happy place” or bringing your comfort zone with you wherever you go.

With depression, daydreaming also needs to be positive because negative thinking can really persist when someone is depressed. Find some quick, positive thoughts such as nice vacation spots or good memories.

Daydreaming isn’t bad, and I would almost say it’s necessary for our sanity. I think daydreaming functions as a type of light meditation. As long as you aren’t completely avoiding your responsibilities, it can be a nice way to give yourself a break.

Sometimes it is just difficult to talk face-to-face, whether it’s a romantic relationship or a parent-child relationship. When tensions are up in a conversation, some feel more defensive, some take on an aggressive mood, and others just shut down or withdraw.

At these times, it helps to change the way you are communicating.  You may be thinking changing communication means “I need to do a better job of listening” or “I should be more clear in how I say things“. These ideas are definitely important. There is also more you can do.

Try changing the form of communication for a while if the in-person strategies aren’t working. Emailing or hand-writing a note allows a person to read at a pace that is comfortable, and allows time to respond rationally instead of “in the moment”. This can work with romantic relationships (just in time for Valentine’s Day!), and in parent-child communication. Once in a while, even friendships can benefit from switching things up.

Perspective is important; influence is the action of perspective.

Control in parenting is not only an illusion; it is probably hilarious to adolescents.

If your child is not listening to you, at least you have a break to do something else for a little while.

No, your grade school child does not need a cell phone, his or her own Facebook page, a Playstation 3, or a private email account.

Your child does need boundaries to follow and to question, in order to learn safely about the world and other people.