The Mental Emotional Health Blog

Those who decide and commit to grow up, will.

Those who wait until they grow up, won’t.

A previous post here at MentalEmotionalHealth.com was entitled, “How To Accept Compliments” . That was mainly intended for people who might need to think of themselves more positively.

Today, I’ll take that a step further. In a relationship or friendship when one person compliments the other, there is an under-appreciated need to accept the compliment. This isn’t for the receiver, it’s for the giver.

Typically, when a person says something nice about someone else (especially someone close), the giving of the compliment is either ignored, minimized, dismissed, or reinforced. If the pattern is established that the receiver will almost always use the first three, and usually won’t reinforce the giving of the compliment, then the giver will tend to give less compliments over time. That and the giver gets more frustrated.

Compliments really are free most of the time. But even if there is some ulterior motive like you’re being set up or manipulated into feeling good about yourself, what’s wrong with that? If you suspect manipulation, accept the compliment first anyway.

If you want to feel better about yourself, acknowledge and accept nice things people say to you. You are not bragging because you are not making anything up or drawing attention to yourself. Someone else is paying positive attention towards you. That’s nice!

If you want to see your relationship/friendship improve quickly and feel more comfortable, acknowledge and accept compliments more. By offering a little positive reinforcement, you’ll both feel better.

Do you consider the glass to be half-empty, half-full, or full with a leak that needs refilling each day?

I like to get word out about resources that seem useful. Today I am providing some words from the Counselling Directory, which is located in the United Kingdom. I looked through the website and found it straightforward in presenting a good list of resources for finding mental health services.

I have copied some information below. I hope it’s helpful for those of you in the UK.

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Counselling Directory

 

Counselling Directory was set up with a simple but much needed purpose – to put those who need help in touch with those people who provide it.

 

Over an average year, around one in four people will experience some kind of mental health problem - whether it be work-related stress, a family crisis, or something more serious like abuse. Depression is the most common mental illness, affecting one if five people. Counselling provides a welcome alternative to medication, and encourages people to deal with their issues rather than continually suppressing them, which can lead to more serious problems.

 

Of course, the decision to undertaken counselling is not one that anyone takes lightly. Many consider the idea for months or even years before deciding to take the plunge.

 

The main hurdle anyone must overcome before opening themselves up to counselling is accepting they have a problem that needs dealt with. Whether it be an addiction, a mental health illness, suffering abuse or an eating disorder, no one likes to admit they are struggling. Often friends and family will try to encourage the person to accept they need help, but the decision must ultimately come from the person themselves.

 

Finding the right counsellor is essential, and there are many things to consider. Counsellors often specialise in certain areas, so it’s important the individual finds one that addresses their specific needs, with an approach they’re comfortable with.

 

There are practical considerations too, such as location. Despite assured complete confidentiality people may prefer to see a counsellor that is perhaps outside their local area, but still in surroundings they are comfortable in.

 

In the current climate, price is becoming more and more of an issue. Many counsellors are now offering reduced rates for those unemployment or claiming benefits, and many are very accommodating so that all those that need help can have access to it.

 

Perhaps most importantly is ensuring the counsellor is fully qualified to practise. Currently there are no laws to regulate counsellors. However, there are accrediting bodies and qualifications guidelines suggest counsellors should obtain. There are academic qualifications in counselling - under-graduate, post-graduates and doctorates. Being accredited by a professional body - such as the British Association for Counselling and Psychotherapy - means that the counsellor will have met several criteria, such as a certain number of hours of training undertaken, and hours practising under supervision.

 

This is where Counselling Directory comes in. A comprehensive searching tool, the site allows postcode, town and country searches, and produces a list of counsellors registered in this area. Each counsellor has a profile, listing a bit about themselves, their approaches, what areas they deal with, and all their training, qualification and experience and fees. The site shows which counsellors are registered/accredited with a professional body, and full profiles are only displayed after insurance and qualification documents are checked or membership with a professional body has been verified.

 

The site has also become a huge information bank - there are articles written by the counsellors, as well as comprehensive information on all kinds of distress - from depression to eating disorders to abuse, to help people identify their problems and become informed, not scared. There’s also a blog that reports the latest health news and developments.

 

We’ve heard from many people who have found Counselling Directory invaluable, reducing the amount of stress and worrying that can contribute to an already difficult enough process.

 

www.counselling-directory.org.uk

 

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I find discussions about and the application of change dynamics fascinating. (I’m guessing that’s the first you have read that sentence today.) I work in a “change” field as a Clinical Therapist. Each client brings a set of challenges and strengths, and their presence in the therapy room implies a desire for some type of change. And change occurs in the client and therapist every single time.

Anyway, types of change are on my mind today. If a person wants to change something in his or her life, the depth of that change depends on the type of change. First-order change happens when you change behaviors or solve problems on the surface; it’s like you are playing the same game with the same rules with different strategies. Second-order change is where deeper, typically more lasting change occurs. With second-order change, the rules of the game change and your perspective widens past the assumptions you previously held.

Failing to quit smoking is a great example. Many people attempt to keep their lives the same (same game, same rules) while trying to make an isolated change like trying to figure out how to quit (different strategies). If a second-order change is applied, a person can reinvent himself or herself overall (different rules) and create or enhance more habits that support the desired change. Second-order changes are changes other people can recognize too. These comments indicate when a second-order change might have been made:

Since he stopped smoking he became a new man.

She has a whole new outlook on life.

There is something different about you.

Way to think out-of-the-box.

You have grown up.

For those of you out there who prefer a visual representation of transformational change, check out this web page I found this morning (I have no affiliation with the site; just thought it explained orders of change pretty well): Break Out of the Box .