The Mental Emotional Health Blog

When you remember and use your strengths, your weaknesses become secondary.

I decided to try something new for this entry. For some reason I like to fill out brief questionnaires and polls online. I can read, think for a few seconds, and choose an answer. This is meant to be a little thought-provoking, although this is my first attempt so we’ll see.

So in MentalEmotionalHealth.com fashion, here we go: Decide which of the two choices you would pick if it had to be at the expense of the other. So pick one as if you know you would lose out on the other choice for each topic.

1. Personal - Which do you value more:  Integrity or Charity?
2. Personal - Freedom or Safety?
3. Personal - Which would you prefer: Facing your fears or living within your comfort level?
4. Personal - Which do you value more: Open-mindedness or Being correct?
5. Personal - Would you rather be well-liked or well-respected?
6. Relationships -  Honesty or Consistency?
7. Relationships - What you need or what you want?
8. Relationships - Would you rather have a life-long good friend or be with your soul-mate for 2 years?
9. Spiritual - Which do you value more: Being part of a faith community or Your individual expression of faith?
10. Culture - A world without music or a world without art?
11. Pets - Dogs or cats or other?
12. Iconic Cartoon Characters - Bugs Bunny or Mickey Mouse?

If your ability to trust has been damaged, you might naturally put up personal walls to protect yourself. These walls are good, and necessary in the short-term.

In order to grow as a person as time goes on, though, you must learn how to be vulnerable in some ways (not all ways). Don’t take down all of your protective walls at the same time, or you might be too vulnerable. Take your time, and carefully lower your guard in specific ways when you feel you are ready.  When you find a healthy balance between protecting yourself and being vulnerable enough to grow, you will find you have developed new inner strength.

There is certainly no shortage of books, websites, magazine, and people who can give advice on how to parent. In fact, the multitude of parenting perspectives out there can be overwhelming, confusing, or can make you feel like you’re parenting the wrong way.

So today I’ll try to simplify it all: If your children’s basic needs are met, they know right from wrong, you tell them that you love them and that they belong, they are getting an education, and they are up to date on medical and dental care, then you’ve accomplished the basics of parenting.

Discipline strategies, learning activities, and finding ways to entertain your children are all helpful. But focus on accomplishing the basics first. You may provide everything in the list above and yet doubt your own parenting if your child is not grateful or well-behaved. Note what you do as a parent, pay attention to the things you do that work, and give yourself credit.

Children are not well-educated judges on how well you have fulfilled your parenting duties. Actually, if they do act like they are the rightful judges of your parenting, they’re probably deciding to not behave or listen to you a good part of the time. Stick to what you know is right, provide the needs they have as children, and keep at it. Children are smart these days, so if they have a basic suggestion that is helpful then listen and consider it. You are the final authority on how to parent your children, though. You know them best.

Don’t give up, and get support from other parents, teachers, coaches, or health providers when you need it. Someone once told me, “Parenting is the toughest job you’ll ever love.”

The word “intimidate” is defined this way in the Merriam-Webster Online Dictionary: “to make timid or fearful : frighten; especially : to compel or deter by or as if by threats”. I want to provide a strategy for not feeling intimidated in certain situations.

The main goal of this intimidation-buster strategy is to identify what is intimidating you in a situation in order to diffuse your own ”fear reaction”. These questions may help:

1) What is it specifically about this situation that has me feeling intimidated (a specific person, feeling outnumbered, environment, etc.)?

2) Does this situation remind me of other situations I felt intimidated into doing something or not doing something?

3) What kinds of body language (posture, invading personal space, etc.) and facial expressions are making me feel uncomfortable?

4) Am I being interrupted frequently?

5) Is this person talking louder than I am, or yelling?

6)  What could this person gain from intimidating me?

7)  Is that person really trying to intimidate me, or am I somehow causing my own anxiety in this situation?

There are other similar questions you could ask yourself, but I think you get the general idea. It may also be easier to consider these questions when you are away from the intimidating situation. Intimidating situations are almost always emotional, and it is tougher to think logically when you’re feeling a lot of emotion.

Being curious is one of the best ways to diffuse your own emotions. Once you feel comfortable enough to ask yourself some of the questions listed above while you are in a situation, you may notice how curiosity can replace anxiety. Curiosity allows you to maintain a logical thought process. Emotions such as fear, anger, confusion, sadness, and even happiness can make it difficult to think clearly. But you don’t have to worry about feeling so curious you can’t think straight.

To summarize, here is a 3-step Intimidation-Buster strategy that incorporates some of these ideas if you notice yourself feeling intimidated in a situation:

Step 1: Do your best to keep your breathing slow and natural.

Step 2: Decide to maintain a curious frame of mind while you are in the intimidating situation.

 Step 3: Ask  yourself a few of the 7 questions listed above, with the goal of identifying what is intimidating you.

This also takes practice, so don’t expect to master it quickly. It may be more helpful to practice the strategy when you are alone and not feeling intimidated, and use the last intimidating situation you were in as an example.

Anxiety and fear can be intense, but you can learn to function well despite having those emotions in intimidating situations.