The Mental Emotional Health Blog

A previous post here at MentalEmotionalHealth.com was entitled, “How To Accept Compliments” . That was mainly intended for people who might need to think of themselves more positively.

Today, I’ll take that a step further. In a relationship or friendship when one person compliments the other, there is an under-appreciated need to accept the compliment. This isn’t for the receiver, it’s for the giver.

Typically, when a person says something nice about someone else (especially someone close), the giving of the compliment is either ignored, minimized, dismissed, or reinforced. If the pattern is established that the receiver will almost always use the first three, and usually won’t reinforce the giving of the compliment, then the giver will tend to give less compliments over time. That and the giver gets more frustrated.

Compliments really are free most of the time. But even if there is some ulterior motive like you’re being set up or manipulated into feeling good about yourself, what’s wrong with that? If you suspect manipulation, accept the compliment first anyway.

If you want to feel better about yourself, acknowledge and accept nice things people say to you. You are not bragging because you are not making anything up or drawing attention to yourself. Someone else is paying positive attention towards you. That’s nice!

If you want to see your relationship/friendship improve quickly and feel more comfortable, acknowledge and accept compliments more. By offering a little positive reinforcement, you’ll both feel better.

I find it funny how some people personalize their vehicle or their home. I don’t know how it is around the world with this, but here in the Midwest and other parts of the United States are known to do this.

Example: if two or more people are walking back to their vehicles after some event they just left, the first person to reach their vehicle might identify the vehicle this way, “This is me.” The person could have said, “This is my car”, but I have heard the personalization many times. It’s just like if someone is being dropped off at home and tells the driver “This is me”, instead of “Here’s my home.” It’s not a big deal, I know. I have just always wondered how that originated.

Just be careful how you respond and don’t be too literal if someone uses the personalization . If you are dropping off your date at home and your date says, “Okay, this is me”, don’t respond with “Wow, you look old. Were you built in the 1920s?”

In a previous post ( http://mentalemotionalhealth.com/2009/05/27/toxic-personalities/ ), I offered a couple brief thoughts and a link to an article about toxic personalities and I wanted to follow up on the subject today. 

One of my loyal readers is Cyndi, and she had a great comment on the post: “Ah, but what if they are unavoidable, like your spouse or your child? Learn to set good boundaries, I guess!” (It might also be a sibling, co-worker, or boss.)

That is exactly what to do when you deal with someone who is manipulative, overly dependent, or just emotionally draining and you can’t figure out why. Set boundaries. Be assertive. If someone is pushy and you set a polite boundary such as “Please don’t talk to me that way”, it might feel like you are being uncaring, rude, or maybe even mean. (Actually that would be another sign someone is having a toxic effect on you, if you ask politely and their reaction causes you to feel that you were wrong to set an appropriate boundary.)

Every person deserves to be treated respectfully, and it’s too bad some people don’t practice it often enough. But by setting good boundaries and drawing an appropriate emotional line, you can protect your feelings, energy, and relationships. Hey, it’s good to feel empowered!

Enjoy and ponder these quotes from John Gray, Ph.D, who is the author of 16 best-selling books including Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus:

• We mistakenly assume that if our partners love us they will react and behave in certain ways - the ways we react and behave when we love someone.
  
• When men and women are able to respect and accept their differences then love has a chance to blossom.
  
• To grow in our ability to love ourselves we need to receive love as well.
  
• A man’s sense of self is defined through his ability to achieve results.
  
• A woman’s sense of self is defined through her feelings and the quality of her relationships.
  
• Just as a man is fulfilled through working out the intricate details of solving a problem, a woman is fulfilled through talking about the details of her problems.
  
• When a man loves a woman, periodically he needs to pull away before he can get closer.
  

A nice thing about good friendships is that they feel comfortable. You feel comfortable enough to be yourself, to decide whether or not to hang out with your friend, to open up or not open up, and it’s all okay with both of you.