The Mental Emotional Health Blog

Accepting compliments is essential to healthy self-esteem. Believing compliments is also important, but that won’t happen anyway if you’re not even accepting them. Here are some simple things to remember:

1. Say “Thank you”, or “thanks”, or “I appreciate that”.
2. If you know your self-esteem is low, you don’t have to worry about an overabundance of pride, so don’t minimize or argue with the person giving the compliment. Avoid saying things like, “Not really”, or “No big deal”, or “I don’t see it that way”.
3. Do not tell yourself things like, “They just don’t know me.” Compliments are often behavior-based or fact-based, such as “Nice job on the project”, or “I like your shoes”. So again, don’t argue with the compliment internally.

If you want to start believing compliments, after you say “thank you”, ask yourself, “What if you are right?” Honestly consider it being at least possible.

The most important factor that keeps two people together in a relationship is not communication, trust, or their shared experiences, it is simply this: they both want to be together. When that is established, all other factors are secondary.

Have you ever noticed times when someone tells you something dramatic or even outrageous, and then pauses . . . as if you’re supposed to respond a certain way? Have you ever caught yourself saying something and waiting for the big reaction (after they have read your mind)?

Problem is, unless you know someone really well including the mood the person is in at the time, you are assuming the person will react only one way. That’s what I call a poor use of speaking for effect.

Some ways you can tell another person is speaking poorly for effect are when you notice yourself thinking, “Where is this going?”, or “And the point is what?”, or there’s just an unpleasant silence where you look blankly at each other.

If you want a certain reaction, prepare the other person by saying something like, “I want to know if you feel the same way I do on this one . . .” and then say what you’re going to say. That will at least let them know you’re looking for them to share their thoughts/feelings, instead of wondering what your point is.

This article was featured today on Yahoo, and I always find it interesting to explore gender dynamics. The article is “A Dating Guide For Women: ‘Man Talk’ Translation” by David Wygant, and the link is here: Link

A couple comments about the article:

#4 - A guy saying he needs his space isn’t always a game. Some guys do feel the need to play games, or do the whole chase thing. But sometimes guys want to be less distracted while they figure out if they really like you. It could be a guy is taking a decision about you seriously.

#9 - Yes, he is paying attention to your interests by watching one of your shows by himself and then asking about it. One crucial point though is that this can be temporary. He might watch and ask about your shows while you are getting to know each other, or are in the early stages of being together (which can be years), but once he’s really comfortable in the relationship he might not care as much about your shows. The other crucial point with this is understanding that if a guy stops watching your shows later in the relationship, it doesn’t necessarily mean he has stopped liking or caring about you.

As children grow into teens, they develop more mental and emotional resources. Compared to childhood, teens are generally more able to adapt, keep themselves occupied (not always entertained, but occupied), and have a better understanding of the world and where they fit into it. They also have a better understanding of manipulation games, avoiding responsibilities, or covering up their behaviors at times.

After several years of parenting influence and life experience, older teens start to practice acting like what they perceive is adulthood whether they are ready or not. I’m not going to get into all the pressures teens and young adults face, although some are very tough to deal with. I am going to emphasize the power to make decisions.

Teenagers know enough at a certain age to make decisions. Parents have acheived the majority of their core parenting and influence by the time a child reaches 13. It seems most of the parenting of a 13-19 year old involves problem-solving, troubleshooting, and some social training. A parent continues to influence their teen into adulthood, it’s just that the main part of parenting is mostly done.

This is why it is important to realize as a parent that your teens are making decisions on their own. Control is an illusion, there is only influence. As teens get older, parents tend to influence less in general.

But during the young adult years, these teens frequently receive mixed messages from adults. Sometimes they hear, “No, you can’t do that”, in the same conversation as “Grow up”. Or they might hear, “You never talk to me”, as often as “I don’t want to hear it”. The actual words may be different, but no wonder teens are confused and frustrated.

Adults have been through childhood, teenage years, and adulthood. Teens have been children and are still developing into adults. Teens are old enough to make some decisions and have reasons for those decisions. They aren’t always correct or proper, and then once in a while their reasoning is better than ours as adults (usually when we are not being objective and rational). Overall though, they are practicing their adulthood, which is what we ask them to do.

I guess I’ll sum up by suggesting this to parents: Give teens several chances, recognize where they are in life, and hold them accountable for the decisions they make. Connect with other parents, talk about what works and what doesn’t work, and model appropriate attitude consistently before expecting it.