The Mental Emotional Health Blog

The parent of a grade school student recently presented me with this question: What is the difference between listening and not giving in? This is a great question that therapists like me love to explain.

The simple answer is if listening and giving in seem to be directly linked, then you are not listening well enough. Listening is not about making a decision or setting limits, it is more about trying to hear what your child is saying, and understanding it from a child’s perspective.

Remember, children are less experienced in using rational thinking skills than adults. Many times, they are trying to make sense of things. What children often don’t realize yet is that they are being self-centered. Learning to think for yourself is crucial to development. Children need time to learn how to bounce between their own perspective and others quickly.

Back to the original question, though. Giving in happens after a parent either says “no” or “do this”, and then backs off. A parent typically has a good reason for saying “no”, and that reason doesn’t usually change during a conversation. But from the child’s point of view, if a parent gives in then maybe the reason wasn’t that important in the first place. Kids can feel invincible, and doubt that anything bad will happen if they want something. As grown-ups, we have a better understanding that there are risks involved because we think more rationally and have more life experience. Grown-ups also tend to think not only about what a risk might be at the time, but what the probable consequences will be.

In general, a child is more likely to accept a parent’s decision if the child feels listened to. Sometimes a valuable statement from a parent can be, “You are making sense here; I am just not convinced yet.” That can avoid the “no” trigger. There are daily power struggles between children and parents. If you feel your frustration building in a conversation with your child,  assess how well you are actually listening. If that doesn’t get you too far and it is simply a battle of wills, tell yourself that you have the patience to outlast a child.

Friendships are obviously important. It’s also easy sometimes to get caught up in life’s routines so much that it’s hard to remember the last time you just hung out with a good friend. Work, family, errands, and housework all need attention. But you should add friendship to the list too. At least add the friendships that feel good to you.

That doesn’t mean you drop all of your responsibilities all the time and meet with your friends. It does mean that you drop all of your responsibilities for an hour or two once in a while and unwind. People need healthy ways to disconnect from the frantic pace of life and stress. Friends have a way of providing an escape, an enjoyable distraction, a few laughs, or sincere advice.

Emails and phone calls are two ways to connect but there’s something about seeing and talking with a friend, or even a group of friends, that is more beneficial. Email is visual. Phone conversation is audial (you can hear it) and interactive. In-person conversation is visual, audial, interactive, and you can feel and share a type of interpersonal energy.  We  generally get more from meeting with a friend face-to-face. So don’t neglect it.

I know a lot of caring people. It is uplifting to see someone care about someone else without the thought of anything in return. At least, most of the time it is.

I also know some people who go beyond simply caring about others and care for others at their own expense. Now if the person is a child or is sick or basically has a specific need, fine. But if that person can care for himself or herself, then a subtle boundary is crossed. Caring for another person needs to happen in a defined role for a few reasons:

1. Expectations are in balance. In friendships, there is a spoken or unspoken give-and-take agreement that both people understand. In some friendships these expectations are closely followed all the time, and in other friendships there may be an easygoing flexibility along with a few “no-no’s”.
2. No one’s voice is ignored. I had a friend years ago who was talking with me on the phone, and I told her I was sick. The fact she hoped I would feel better didn’t bother me a bit, what bothered me is she showed up at my apartment unannounced with soup and a sandwich. The last thing I wanted was a visitor that day (wasn’t wild about eating either), but that was ignored. I’m glad she dropped off the food and left, but it annoyed me that she was determined to be a caregiver when I didn’t want one.
3. Have you ever heard of caregiver burnout?  A person who takes care of others at the expense of one’s own health will eventually get worn out. Plus, wearing yourself out affects the quality of all of your relationships.

Put simply, caring about someone requires no boundaries. Caring for someone does require boundaries. The typical costs of ignoring boundaries while caring for someone (or everyone) are poorer health and less-healthy relationships. If you keep yourself and your relationships healthy, you will have more to offer others anyway.

A friend of mine has been frustrated lately with someone asking personal questions, with the obvious intent of getting info for gossip. That got me thinking about different ways to handle questions that aren’t anyone’s business. I thought I’d offer a few ideas:

1) After the person mentions something personal about you they heard from someone, say something like, “I heard that you just can’t stay away from gossip.”

2) Once you can tell the person is starting an inappropriately/private question, dart your eyes back and forth several times between their eyes and their mouth, ear, or hair. Once they ask what you’re looking at, say, “Oh, it’s nothing.” After they ask, “What?” just keep denying it’s anything important. They could be self-conscious for hours.

3) Get a thoughtful look on your face, look up and say as if you’re thinking out loud, “I am trying to figure out if that’s something I want to talk about with you, here at work, in front of all these other people. I’m also wondering why you want to know.” Then give them your full attention again. If they keep at it, say directly to the person: “Now I’m wondering if you are just looking for gossip you can spread to whoever wants to listen.”

4) Be sincere and direct, “I think that’s something for me and my <family/significant other> to figure out, don’t you?”

5) “Do you want me to email you the answer to your question, or should I send a press release to the TV stations in town so everyone knows?” Say this jokingly, and if the person persists get a little more serious and say, “Oh, you seriously want me to answer that? That is funny.”

Have fun with it. You don’t have to let a gossip wreck your day.

Anger management is not hoping that you won’t be angry. So give yourself a good chance to diffuse anger by expecting that you will, in fact, get angry. I have worked with several clients, male and female, that have worked on their anger and then get surprised when they get angry again (For example: “I got mad again last night, so this stuff didn’t work!”). That is when I explain what might be obvious to some: Anger management is learning to manage the anger reactions you will have, not eliminating anger as an emotion.

The next time you feel stressed, frustrated, or annoyed in a specific situation, tell yourself that you are going to get angry, accept it, and then figure out how you want to handle it appropriately. Then you’ll have a better chance to manage your anger and will allow your rational brain to stay involved in the process.