The Mental Emotional Health Blog

Every once in a while I want to get out a jumble of thoughts I have accumulated from therapy sessions. Somehow it helps me refine my therapy style and clears my mind. There are also times when conversation in session progresses to a deep enough level that I find myself considering ideas beyond the therapy room. Here are my thoughts today, and remember that this a glimpse of a few things that fly through a therapist’s mind:

• If the client feels he or she has no options, widen the perspective.
• If he or she feels overwhelmed, narrow the focus.
• Always provide hope.
• Everyone has normal in them, and some forget that.
• Laughter isn’t just the best medicine, it is like pure, cool water that prevents your soul from being dehydrated.
• Music has many great qualities (if it’s good music), and two aspects of music that stand out are its ability to calm your mind, and its ability to affect your mood.
• If you talk on the phone until your ear gets sweaty, you may be on too long.
• Therapy feels like a juggling act to me sometimes. It’s like I have different ideas flying around, and pick one at a time to toss to my client. Sometimes the client drops it, and other times we play catch for a while while I continue juggling.
• People really are interesting.
• Some people are boring, but I generally prefer that to loud and overly dramatic.
• Every person has an opportunity each day to expand his or her mind. It doesn’t need to be earth-shattering or profound. Sometimes a little growth that happens consistently allows the mind to remember its creativity, energy, and power. 

I know a lot of caring people. It is uplifting to see someone care about someone else without the thought of anything in return. At least, most of the time it is.

I also know some people who go beyond simply caring about others and care for others at their own expense. Now if the person is a child or is sick or basically has a specific need, fine. But if that person can care for himself or herself, then a subtle boundary is crossed. Caring for another person needs to happen in a defined role for a few reasons:

1. Expectations are in balance. In friendships, there is a spoken or unspoken give-and-take agreement that both people understand. In some friendships these expectations are closely followed all the time, and in other friendships there may be an easygoing flexibility along with a few “no-no’s”.
2. No one’s voice is ignored. I had a friend years ago who was talking with me on the phone, and I told her I was sick. The fact she hoped I would feel better didn’t bother me a bit, what bothered me is she showed up at my apartment unannounced with soup and a sandwich. The last thing I wanted was a visitor that day (wasn’t wild about eating either), but that was ignored. I’m glad she dropped off the food and left, but it annoyed me that she was determined to be a caregiver when I didn’t want one.
3. Have you ever heard of caregiver burnout?  A person who takes care of others at the expense of one’s own health will eventually get worn out. Plus, wearing yourself out affects the quality of all of your relationships.

Put simply, caring about someone requires no boundaries. Caring for someone does require boundaries. The typical costs of ignoring boundaries while caring for someone (or everyone) are poorer health and less-healthy relationships. If you keep yourself and your relationships healthy, you will have more to offer others anyway.

If your ability to trust has been damaged, you might naturally put up personal walls to protect yourself. These walls are good, and necessary in the short-term.

In order to grow as a person as time goes on, though, you must learn how to be vulnerable in some ways (not all ways). Don’t take down all of your protective walls at the same time, or you might be too vulnerable. Take your time, and carefully lower your guard in specific ways when you feel you are ready.  When you find a healthy balance between protecting yourself and being vulnerable enough to grow, you will find you have developed new inner strength.

It is simple, but true: If you take yourself too seriously, you are giving up your sense of humor. You don’t need to become a happy, babbling idiot, but you don’t need to deny yourself light-hearted feelings either.

Anger management is not hoping that you won’t be angry. So give yourself a good chance to diffuse anger by expecting that you will, in fact, get angry. I have worked with several clients, male and female, that have worked on their anger and then get surprised when they get angry again (For example: “I got mad again last night, so this stuff didn’t work!”). That is when I explain what might be obvious to some: Anger management is learning to manage the anger reactions you will have, not eliminating anger as an emotion.

The next time you feel stressed, frustrated, or annoyed in a specific situation, tell yourself that you are going to get angry, accept it, and then figure out how you want to handle it appropriately. Then you’ll have a better chance to manage your anger and will allow your rational brain to stay involved in the process.