The Mental Emotional Health Blog

Anger management is not hoping that you won’t be angry. So give yourself a good chance to diffuse anger by expecting that you will, in fact, get angry. I have worked with several clients, male and female, that have worked on their anger and then get surprised when they get angry again (For example: “I got mad again last night, so this stuff didn’t work!”). That is when I explain what might be obvious to some: Anger management is learning to manage the anger reactions you will have, not eliminating anger as an emotion.

The next time you feel stressed, frustrated, or annoyed in a specific situation, tell yourself that you are going to get angry, accept it, and then figure out how you want to handle it appropriately. Then you’ll have a better chance to manage your anger and will allow your rational brain to stay involved in the process.

There is certainly no shortage of books, websites, magazine, and people who can give advice on how to parent. In fact, the multitude of parenting perspectives out there can be overwhelming, confusing, or can make you feel like you’re parenting the wrong way.

So today I’ll try to simplify it all: If your children’s basic needs are met, they know right from wrong, you tell them that you love them and that they belong, they are getting an education, and they are up to date on medical and dental care, then you’ve accomplished the basics of parenting.

Discipline strategies, learning activities, and finding ways to entertain your children are all helpful. But focus on accomplishing the basics first. You may provide everything in the list above and yet doubt your own parenting if your child is not grateful or well-behaved. Note what you do as a parent, pay attention to the things you do that work, and give yourself credit.

Children are not well-educated judges on how well you have fulfilled your parenting duties. Actually, if they do act like they are the rightful judges of your parenting, they’re probably deciding to not behave or listen to you a good part of the time. Stick to what you know is right, provide the needs they have as children, and keep at it. Children are smart these days, so if they have a basic suggestion that is helpful then listen and consider it. You are the final authority on how to parent your children, though. You know them best.

Don’t give up, and get support from other parents, teachers, coaches, or health providers when you need it. Someone once told me, “Parenting is the toughest job you’ll ever love.”

Feeling overwhelmed is rough. Your emotions cloud your rational thinking, decision-making and problem-solving skills. Your energy tends to drop and fatigue can set in, or energy remains but is more restless and unfocused. You can be exhausted but have trouble sleeping. On a deeper level you may doubt yourself, which affects everything.

There are times that one part of your life that is overwhelming, whether it’s a valued relationship, parenting, school, a full daily schedule, work, dealing with a co-worker or boss, finances, grieving a loss, being a caregiver, or coping with memories. But many times, several or all of the above may happen at once or within a short amount of time.

There is always hope, and there are some phrases that are cliche but still provide comfort and direction:

• “One day at a time” - You can adjust this to one hour or even one minute at a time if you need to.
• “No one is an island.” - The cliche uses “man”, but the point is that you don’t have to do everything by yourself. Allow or ask someone to help you when you need it.
• “Rome wasn’t built in a day.” - Projects and responsibilities take time, and they don’t always fit into neat, exact time-frames. Don’t blindly expect them to.
• “Just do it.” - Thank you, Nike.

Other ideas for what to do when you’re overwhelmed:

• Take care of yourself. If you do, you will have more energy, more focus, and more patience to get through difficult times.
• Connect with your spirituality. There is strength in faith when you feel like you have little or none yourself. And it’s interesting how that spiritual strength, even if it comes from outside of you, often seems to become your own strength.
• Prioritize what you need to do. Make a list of essential things to do that day, no more than 7. These are 7 things you absolutely need to finish, start, or at least work on. If you can check all those items off the list then #8 is to make another list, taking into account your frame of mind, energy level, and time left in the day before getting decent rest for tomorrow. Another great thing about lists is you don’t have to use your overwhelmed mind to remember details, which often wears you out even more.
• Break things up into pieces, which is easier than tackling something big all at once.
• Change your perspective whether it’s reading a book, listening to music, watching something humorous, talking to someone, seeing your therapist, physician, or health-care provider, attending a martial arts or exercise class, going for a walk or jog, or meditating.
• Pick a direction. People frequently lose their personal sense of direction when they are overwhelmed. If there are things you need to accomplish, get started somewhere.
• Remember to eat and stay hydrated. Your mind and body need fuel for energy, and if you aren’t eating, are eating poorly, or are dehydrated, you are allowing the overwhelming feelings a good opportunity to stay around.

I’ll go back to one of the cliches above in closing: “No one is an island”. Ask for help. Everyone is busy, but overwhelmed is not a place you want to be, so allow someone to support you.

  

As children grow into teens, they develop more mental and emotional resources. Compared to childhood, teens are generally more able to adapt, keep themselves occupied (not always entertained, but occupied), and have a better understanding of the world and where they fit into it. They also have a better understanding of manipulation games, avoiding responsibilities, or covering up their behaviors at times.

After several years of parenting influence and life experience, older teens start to practice acting like what they perceive is adulthood whether they are ready or not. I’m not going to get into all the pressures teens and young adults face, although some are very tough to deal with. I am going to emphasize the power to make decisions.

Teenagers know enough at a certain age to make decisions. Parents have acheived the majority of their core parenting and influence by the time a child reaches 13. It seems most of the parenting of a 13-19 year old involves problem-solving, troubleshooting, and some social training. A parent continues to influence their teen into adulthood, it’s just that the main part of parenting is mostly done.

This is why it is important to realize as a parent that your teens are making decisions on their own. Control is an illusion, there is only influence. As teens get older, parents tend to influence less in general.

But during the young adult years, these teens frequently receive mixed messages from adults. Sometimes they hear, “No, you can’t do that”, in the same conversation as “Grow up”. Or they might hear, “You never talk to me”, as often as “I don’t want to hear it”. The actual words may be different, but no wonder teens are confused and frustrated.

Adults have been through childhood, teenage years, and adulthood. Teens have been children and are still developing into adults. Teens are old enough to make some decisions and have reasons for those decisions. They aren’t always correct or proper, and then once in a while their reasoning is better than ours as adults (usually when we are not being objective and rational). Overall though, they are practicing their adulthood, which is what we ask them to do.

I guess I’ll sum up by suggesting this to parents: Give teens several chances, recognize where they are in life, and hold them accountable for the decisions they make. Connect with other parents, talk about what works and what doesn’t work, and model appropriate attitude consistently before expecting it.

Why do people engage in small talk? Here are some possibilities:

• It’s a way to ease into deeper/intense subjects
• To avoid a specific topic
• To avoid talking about themselves
• To get an idea of someone else’s mood
• Because they want to talk to someone, but aren’t sure exactly what to talk about
• To push through the anxiety of starting a conversation
• To read reactions and get a quick assessment of another person
• To create a common tone or mood

It seems that younger children do not small talk much. They seem to get right into what they want to say a good part of the time. Maybe that’s why I like talking to children. Maybe that’s why kids act confused sometimes when grown-ups around them are small-talking instead of really talking.