The Mental Emotional Health Blog

Sometimes it is just difficult to talk face-to-face, whether it’s a romantic relationship or a parent-child relationship. When tensions are up in a conversation, some feel more defensive, some take on an aggressive mood, and others just shut down or withdraw. 

At these times, it helps to change the way you are communicating.  You may be thinking changing communication means “I need to do a better job of listening” or “I should be more clear in how I say things“. These ideas are definitely important. There is also more you can do. 

Try changing the form of communication for a while if the in-person strategies aren’t working. Emailing or hand-writing a note allows a person to read at a pace that is comfortable, and allows time to respond rationally instead of “in the moment”. This can work with romantic relationships (just in time for Valentine’s Day!), and in parent-child communication. Once in a while, even friendships can benefit from switching things up.

Perspective is important; influence is the action of perspective.

Control in parenting is not only an illusion; it is probably hilarious to adolescents.

If your child is not listening to you, at least you have a break to do something else for a little while.

No, your grade school child does not need a cell phone, his or her own Facebook page, a Playstation 3, or a private email account.

Your child does need boundaries to follow and to question, in order to learn safely about the world and other people.

The parent of a grade school student recently presented me with this question: What is the difference between listening and not giving in? This is a great question that therapists like me love to explain.

The simple answer is if listening and giving in seem to be directly linked, then you are not listening well enough. Listening is not about making a decision or setting limits, it is more about trying to hear what your child is saying, and understanding it from a child’s perspective.

Remember, children are less experienced in using rational thinking skills than adults. Many times, they are trying to make sense of things. What children often don’t realize yet is that they are being self-centered. Learning to think for yourself is crucial to development. Children need time to learn how to bounce between their own perspective and others quickly.

Back to the original question, though. Giving in happens after a parent either says “no” or “do this”, and then backs off. A parent typically has a good reason for saying “no”, and that reason doesn’t usually change during a conversation. But from the child’s point of view, if a parent gives in then maybe the reason wasn’t that important in the first place. Kids can feel invincible, and doubt that anything bad will happen if they want something. As grown-ups, we have a better understanding that there are risks involved because we think more rationally and have more life experience. Grown-ups also tend to think not only about what a risk might be at the time, but what the probable consequences will be.

In general, a child is more likely to accept a parent’s decision if the child feels listened to. Sometimes a valuable statement from a parent can be, “You are making sense here; I am just not convinced yet.” That can avoid the “no” trigger. There are daily power struggles between children and parents. If you feel your frustration building in a conversation with your child,  assess how well you are actually listening. If that doesn’t get you too far and it is simply a battle of wills, tell yourself that you have the patience to outlast a child.

Anger management is not hoping that you won’t be angry. So give yourself a good chance to diffuse anger by expecting that you will, in fact, get angry. I have worked with several clients, male and female, that have worked on their anger and then get surprised when they get angry again (For example: “I got mad again last night, so this stuff didn’t work!”). That is when I explain what might be obvious to some: Anger management is learning to manage the anger reactions you will have, not eliminating anger as an emotion.

The next time you feel stressed, frustrated, or annoyed in a specific situation, tell yourself that you are going to get angry, accept it, and then figure out how you want to handle it appropriately. Then you’ll have a better chance to manage your anger and will allow your rational brain to stay involved in the process.

There is certainly no shortage of books, websites, magazine, and people who can give advice on how to parent. In fact, the multitude of parenting perspectives out there can be overwhelming, confusing, or can make you feel like you’re parenting the wrong way.

So today I’ll try to simplify it all: If your children’s basic needs are met, they know right from wrong, you tell them that you love them and that they belong, they are getting an education, and they are up to date on medical and dental care, then you’ve accomplished the basics of parenting.

Discipline strategies, learning activities, and finding ways to entertain your children are all helpful. But focus on accomplishing the basics first. You may provide everything in the list above and yet doubt your own parenting if your child is not grateful or well-behaved. Note what you do as a parent, pay attention to the things you do that work, and give yourself credit.

Children are not well-educated judges on how well you have fulfilled your parenting duties. Actually, if they do act like they are the rightful judges of your parenting, they’re probably deciding to not behave or listen to you a good part of the time. Stick to what you know is right, provide the needs they have as children, and keep at it. Children are smart these days, so if they have a basic suggestion that is helpful then listen and consider it. You are the final authority on how to parent your children, though. You know them best.

Don’t give up, and get support from other parents, teachers, coaches, or health providers when you need it. Someone once told me, “Parenting is the toughest job you’ll ever love.”