The Mental Emotional Health Blog

Feeling overwhelmed is rough. Your emotions cloud your rational thinking, decision-making and problem-solving skills. Your energy tends to drop and fatigue can set in, or energy remains but is more restless and unfocused. You can be exhausted but have trouble sleeping. On a deeper level you may doubt yourself, which affects everything.

There are times that one part of your life that is overwhelming, whether it’s a valued relationship, parenting, school, a full daily schedule, work, dealing with a co-worker or boss, finances, grieving a loss, being a caregiver, or coping with memories. But many times, several or all of the above may happen at once or within a short amount of time.

There is always hope, and there are some phrases that are cliche but still provide comfort and direction:

• “One day at a time” - You can adjust this to one hour or even one minute at a time if you need to.
• “No one is an island.” - The cliche uses “man”, but the point is that you don’t have to do everything by yourself. Allow or ask someone to help you when you need it.
• “Rome wasn’t built in a day.” - Projects and responsibilities take time, and they don’t always fit into neat, exact time-frames. Don’t blindly expect them to.
• “Just do it.” - Thank you, Nike.

Other ideas for what to do when you’re overwhelmed:

• Take care of yourself. If you do, you will have more energy, more focus, and more patience to get through difficult times.
• Connect with your spirituality. There is strength in faith when you feel like you have little or none yourself. And it’s interesting how that spiritual strength, even if it comes from outside of you, often seems to become your own strength.
• Prioritize what you need to do. Make a list of essential things to do that day, no more than 7. These are 7 things you absolutely need to finish, start, or at least work on. If you can check all those items off the list then #8 is to make another list, taking into account your frame of mind, energy level, and time left in the day before getting decent rest for tomorrow. Another great thing about lists is you don’t have to use your overwhelmed mind to remember details, which often wears you out even more.
• Break things up into pieces, which is easier than tackling something big all at once.
• Change your perspective whether it’s reading a book, listening to music, watching something humorous, talking to someone, seeing your therapist, physician, or health-care provider, attending a martial arts or exercise class, going for a walk or jog, or meditating.
• Pick a direction. People frequently lose their personal sense of direction when they are overwhelmed. If there are things you need to accomplish, get started somewhere.
• Remember to eat and stay hydrated. Your mind and body need fuel for energy, and if you aren’t eating, are eating poorly, or are dehydrated, you are allowing the overwhelming feelings a good opportunity to stay around.

I’ll go back to one of the cliches above in closing: “No one is an island”. Ask for help. Everyone is busy, but overwhelmed is not a place you want to be, so allow someone to support you.

  

As children grow into teens, they develop more mental and emotional resources. Compared to childhood, teens are generally more able to adapt, keep themselves occupied (not always entertained, but occupied), and have a better understanding of the world and where they fit into it. They also have a better understanding of manipulation games, avoiding responsibilities, or covering up their behaviors at times.

After several years of parenting influence and life experience, older teens start to practice acting like what they perceive is adulthood whether they are ready or not. I’m not going to get into all the pressures teens and young adults face, although some are very tough to deal with. I am going to emphasize the power to make decisions.

Teenagers know enough at a certain age to make decisions. Parents have acheived the majority of their core parenting and influence by the time a child reaches 13. It seems most of the parenting of a 13-19 year old involves problem-solving, troubleshooting, and some social training. A parent continues to influence their teen into adulthood, it’s just that the main part of parenting is mostly done.

This is why it is important to realize as a parent that your teens are making decisions on their own. Control is an illusion, there is only influence. As teens get older, parents tend to influence less in general.

But during the young adult years, these teens frequently receive mixed messages from adults. Sometimes they hear, “No, you can’t do that”, in the same conversation as “Grow up”. Or they might hear, “You never talk to me”, as often as “I don’t want to hear it”. The actual words may be different, but no wonder teens are confused and frustrated.

Adults have been through childhood, teenage years, and adulthood. Teens have been children and are still developing into adults. Teens are old enough to make some decisions and have reasons for those decisions. They aren’t always correct or proper, and then once in a while their reasoning is better than ours as adults (usually when we are not being objective and rational). Overall though, they are practicing their adulthood, which is what we ask them to do.

I guess I’ll sum up by suggesting this to parents: Give teens several chances, recognize where they are in life, and hold them accountable for the decisions they make. Connect with other parents, talk about what works and what doesn’t work, and model appropriate attitude consistently before expecting it.

Why do people engage in small talk? Here are some possibilities:

• It’s a way to ease into deeper/intense subjects
• To avoid a specific topic
• To avoid talking about themselves
• To get an idea of someone else’s mood
• Because they want to talk to someone, but aren’t sure exactly what to talk about
• To push through the anxiety of starting a conversation
• To read reactions and get a quick assessment of another person
• To create a common tone or mood

It seems that younger children do not small talk much. They seem to get right into what they want to say a good part of the time. Maybe that’s why I like talking to children. Maybe that’s why kids act confused sometimes when grown-ups around them are small-talking instead of really talking.

Yesterday, I attended an Annual Child Maltreatment Conference in La Crosse, Wisconsin. The keynote speaker this year was Victor Vieth, JD, and he brought a powerful and inspiring message about the possibility of ending child abuse by the year 2120. And he wasn’t just saying good stuff either. He wrote a paper that outlines a specific call to action against child abuse. You can read the paper online entitled Unto the Third Generation: A Call to End Child Abuse in the United States Within 120 Years, Journal of Aggression, Maltreatment & Trauma (2004). The link to the website is here: http://www.untothethirdgeneration.com/ 

For any of you that work directly with children or families in the healthcare system, in communities, in schools, in the legal system, or just have an interest in working to end child abuse, read the paper. Learn about “Finding Words”, which is an investigative interviewing process, or a type of forensic interview for children suspected of having been abused. Join the fight against child maltreatment. Then, pass on the fight to the next generation.

I will revisit this subject from time to time here in The Mental Emotional Health Blog in order to spread the word and add my written voice to this essential movement.

I look forward to a day when I no longer see child abuse victims and their families in my office. But even if I do not live to see that day, I want to see the tide of this country turn against child abuse behaviors and the hidden pain children carry into their adulthood.

The subject today is about parenting and unconditional love, and is a follow-up to last week’s entry: http://mentalemotionalhealth.com/2008/03/10/where-discipline-and-love-connect/ . It is expected that parents love their children unconditionally, whether their children are infants, teens, or adults. For some parents though, unconditional love gets tougher for parents as their children get older. 

It seems the main reason I’ve heard for this is that as children get older, they become more aware of what to do or what not to do. Some parents start taking it personally when their child gets past a certain “age of accountability”, and then the child is disobedient or forgets how to show the proper attitude in every situation. In such cases you could say that parental love develops “conditions” as parental expectations increase.

Children do not have an adult brain with all of its functions, and teenagers do not have a fully-developed personality. Why then do we expect them to? For several years, a teen’s job is to figure out what life is about, and how they will fit into it.

I wish I remembered where I read this, but years ago I saw an article that suggested adolescence may last into a person’s mid-20’s. From personal experience that made sense to me. I still noticed myself trying to take the easy way out of certain things instead of applying my own skills and determination up until the age of 24. I count myself truly blessed to have parents that continued to love me unconditionally despite my hesitancy to grow up in my early 20’s. In fact, knowing that parental love was there no matter what was one of the main factors that motivated me to mature and take more self-responsibility.

So when it comes to parenting, remember that your children do not know everything yet about how to be a person. If conditions are attached to the love parents have for children, that will teach children to set conditions on their own love, in romantic relationships or as a future parent. But knowing that they are loved unconditionally allows them to explore and grow despite mistakes and missed opportunities.