The Mental Emotional Health Blog

Friendships are obviously important. It’s also easy sometimes to get caught up in life’s routines so much that it’s hard to remember the last time you just hung out with a good friend. Work, family, errands, and housework all need attention. But you should add friendship to the list too. At least add the friendships that feel good to you.

That doesn’t mean you drop all of your responsibilities all the time and meet with your friends. It does mean that you drop all of your responsibilities for an hour or two once in a while and unwind. People need healthy ways to disconnect from the frantic pace of life and stress. Friends have a way of providing an escape, an enjoyable distraction, a few laughs, or sincere advice.

Emails and phone calls are two ways to connect but there’s something about seeing and talking with a friend, or even a group of friends, that is more beneficial. Email is visual. Phone conversation is audial (you can hear it) and interactive. In-person conversation is visual, audial, interactive, and you can feel and share a type of interpersonal energy.  We  generally get more from meeting with a friend face-to-face. So don’t neglect it.

I know a lot of caring people. It is uplifting to see someone care about someone else without the thought of anything in return. At least, most of the time it is.

I also know some people who go beyond simply caring about others and care for others at their own expense. Now if the person is a child or is sick or basically has a specific need, fine. But if that person can care for himself or herself, then a subtle boundary is crossed. Caring for another person needs to happen in a defined role for a few reasons:

1. Expectations are in balance. In friendships, there is a spoken or unspoken give-and-take agreement that both people understand. In some friendships these expectations are closely followed all the time, and in other friendships there may be an easygoing flexibility along with a few “no-no’s”.
2. No one’s voice is ignored. I had a friend years ago who was talking with me on the phone, and I told her I was sick. The fact she hoped I would feel better didn’t bother me a bit, what bothered me is she showed up at my apartment unannounced with soup and a sandwich. The last thing I wanted was a visitor that day (wasn’t wild about eating either), but that was ignored. I’m glad she dropped off the food and left, but it annoyed me that she was determined to be a caregiver when I didn’t want one.
3. Have you ever heard of caregiver burnout?  A person who takes care of others at the expense of one’s own health will eventually get worn out. Plus, wearing yourself out affects the quality of all of your relationships.

Put simply, caring about someone requires no boundaries. Caring for someone does require boundaries. The typical costs of ignoring boundaries while caring for someone (or everyone) are poorer health and less-healthy relationships. If you keep yourself and your relationships healthy, you will have more to offer others anyway.

If your ability to trust has been damaged, you might naturally put up personal walls to protect yourself. These walls are good, and necessary in the short-term.

In order to grow as a person as time goes on, though, you must learn how to be vulnerable in some ways (not all ways). Don’t take down all of your protective walls at the same time, or you might be too vulnerable. Take your time, and carefully lower your guard in specific ways when you feel you are ready.  When you find a healthy balance between protecting yourself and being vulnerable enough to grow, you will find you have developed new inner strength.

Anger management is not hoping that you won’t be angry. So give yourself a good chance to diffuse anger by expecting that you will, in fact, get angry. I have worked with several clients, male and female, that have worked on their anger and then get surprised when they get angry again (For example: “I got mad again last night, so this stuff didn’t work!”). That is when I explain what might be obvious to some: Anger management is learning to manage the anger reactions you will have, not eliminating anger as an emotion.

The next time you feel stressed, frustrated, or annoyed in a specific situation, tell yourself that you are going to get angry, accept it, and then figure out how you want to handle it appropriately. Then you’ll have a better chance to manage your anger and will allow your rational brain to stay involved in the process.