The Mental Emotional Health Blog

If you haven’t heard of this publication yet, it is definitely worth your time to check out Psychologies Magazine from the United Kingdom. The link to the website is here: http://www.psychologies.co.uk/ .

Last year I reviewed this magazine, and this year I am still impressed (link).

Here is my only complaint; I am not able to subscribe in the United States to have it mailed to me. Aaarrggghh!! Luckily I can continue to visit Target and Barnes & Noble to find it on my own.

I really do think people mean well most of the time. The idea for this post came to me after I spoke with one of my friends the other day. She and her husband are expecting their first child in a few months. That got me thinking about all the “wisdom” expecting parents and new parents receive. I myself am a father of a 5 year old and 2 year old. Despite being a guy, I have learned some things.

My first thought was that a lot of this “wisdom” is unsolicited. Here’s a fictional example (which many can relate to):

Expectant Parent: We’re expecting in a few months and we’re so excited!

Self-Appointed Authority on Parenting: That’s great! You know your life is going to be completely different. Are you ready?

EP: I think so. We’ve almost got the baby’s room all set up and people have been great with getting us all the things we’ll need.

SAAP: Uh-huh. Do you have a baby wipe warmer yet? You have to have that you know.

EP: Umm . . . no, not yet. But we can still put it on the baby register.

SAAP: Okay. You should probably do it soon so you don’t forget. You probably won’t be remembering everything for a while, or never again after you actually become a parent. What kind of car seat did you get?

EP: We decided on <insert model here>.

SAAP: Oh. Okay, well make sure you put in the car the right way. Sometimes you think you have it in there but it’s not according to requirements.

I dramatized that a little, I admit. But isn’t it amazing how people trying to be supportive end up trying to prepare expectant parents instead, and freak them out instead?

It doesn’t stop there either. After the child is born and the new parents are thankful for this wonderful child, the lectures keep coming. It doesn’t matter that fatigue, sleeplessness, and the daily need to adapt to a major life change are ever-present. The “support” typically comes in comments like these:

Cherish these moments because children grow up fast.

Just wait until 2 years from now.

Just wait until they are teenagers.

You won’t ever sleep well again. Even after they’re 18, you’ll still worry about what they’re up to late at night.

Have you learned the correct breast-feeding method?

Make sure you burp the baby the right way.

It’s a lot easier to be supportive to new parents by keeping support simple and direct. Try asking if they need anything, or reminding them you are there if they do need something over the next few months. That is simply more helpful. No one is completely prepared for the transition to parenting, and it’s not your job to remind them of that.

Perspective is important; influence is the action of perspective.

Control in parenting is not only an illusion; it is probably hilarious to adolescents.

If your child is not listening to you, at least you have a break to do something else for a little while.

No, your grade school child does not need a cell phone, his or her own Facebook page, a Playstation 3, or a private email account.

Your child does need boundaries to follow and to question, in order to learn safely about the world and other people.

The parent of a grade school student recently presented me with this question: What is the difference between listening and not giving in? This is a great question that therapists like me love to explain.

The simple answer is if listening and giving in seem to be directly linked, then you are not listening well enough. Listening is not about making a decision or setting limits, it is more about trying to hear what your child is saying, and understanding it from a child’s perspective.

Remember, children are less experienced in using rational thinking skills than adults. Many times, they are trying to make sense of things. What children often don’t realize yet is that they are being self-centered. Learning to think for yourself is crucial to development. Children need time to learn how to bounce between their own perspective and others quickly.

Back to the original question, though. Giving in happens after a parent either says “no” or “do this”, and then backs off. A parent typically has a good reason for saying “no”, and that reason doesn’t usually change during a conversation. But from the child’s point of view, if a parent gives in then maybe the reason wasn’t that important in the first place. Kids can feel invincible, and doubt that anything bad will happen if they want something. As grown-ups, we have a better understanding that there are risks involved because we think more rationally and have more life experience. Grown-ups also tend to think not only about what a risk might be at the time, but what the probable consequences will be.

In general, a child is more likely to accept a parent’s decision if the child feels listened to. Sometimes a valuable statement from a parent can be, “You are making sense here; I am just not convinced yet.” That can avoid the “no” trigger. There are daily power struggles between children and parents. If you feel your frustration building in a conversation with your child,  assess how well you are actually listening. If that doesn’t get you too far and it is simply a battle of wills, tell yourself that you have the patience to outlast a child.

Young children can sometimes have nightmares, and also can have what are called night terrors. Here are some questions I received recently on the subject:

1.  What is the difference between nightmares and night terrors, and what are some common causes of night terrors? Both are scary dreams for children, and may happen during times of stress, or after stressful events. Nightmares and night terrors are not typically caused by mental illness. Kids with strong imaginations and creativity may be more likely to experience them. The differences between them are: night terrors happen during deep sleep, deep enough that a child may sit up screaming with his or her eyes wide open, the child may sleepwalk. They often are inconsolable, they sometimes don’t respond to questions like “What’s wrong?” and saying, “It is okay” doesn’t really register with them. Another point: children generally do not remember the content of night terrors.
2.  If your child commonly suffers from night terrors, what is something that you can do to help reduce/get rid of their night terrors? During the daytime hours, listen to your child supportively if there was a recent emotional or traumatic event; maybe invite your child to draw pictures if it is tough for him or her to talk things out at first. You can also set aside a special stuffed animal that a child can sleep with for comfort. Night terrors usually stop by themselves as the child gets older. An important note about safety is be sure to keep toddler gates on staircases, keep outside doors locked, and don’t use bunk beds.
3.  Is there ever a time that you should seek medical advice for a child’s night terrors? You can talk with a child psychologist or therapist to discuss your concerns. If your child receives an injury while sleepwalking, talk with your doctor. If the night terrors or nightmares happen nightly, your doctor may want to do a sleep study on the child.

Here is a nice, straightforward resource on the subject: http://familydoctor.org/online/famdocen/home/children/parents/common/common/566.html