The Mental Emotional Health Blog

In a previous post ( http://mentalemotionalhealth.com/2009/05/27/toxic-personalities/ ), I offered a couple brief thoughts and a link to an article about toxic personalities and I wanted to follow up on the subject today. 

One of my loyal readers is Cyndi, and she had a great comment on the post: “Ah, but what if they are unavoidable, like your spouse or your child? Learn to set good boundaries, I guess!” (It might also be a sibling, co-worker, or boss.)

That is exactly what to do when you deal with someone who is manipulative, overly dependent, or just emotionally draining and you can’t figure out why. Set boundaries. Be assertive. If someone is pushy and you set a polite boundary such as “Please don’t talk to me that way”, it might feel like you are being uncaring, rude, or maybe even mean. (Actually that would be another sign someone is having a toxic effect on you, if you ask politely and their reaction causes you to feel that you were wrong to set an appropriate boundary.)

Every person deserves to be treated respectfully, and it’s too bad some people don’t practice it often enough. But by setting good boundaries and drawing an appropriate emotional line, you can protect your feelings, energy, and relationships. Hey, it’s good to feel empowered!

I would estimate in my practice that at least 50% of my overall time working with adults as therapist has been offering advice on how to deal with, or helping “clean up” the emotional messes inflicted on my clients by, toxic personalities. Some people are just chronically not nice.

So in my almost-daily skimming of a few sites for good articles, I ran across this one from Shine (Yahoo): 8 Toxic Personalities to Avoid by Brett Blumenthal (I also recommend her blog at Brett’s Blog ). She does a nice job of being specific and explaining why each personality is toxic.

Knowing what to avoid successfully in life is as important as finding your direction and purpose.

Have a great day everyone!

Devin

The current economic climate places more pressure on individuals to interview well as they try to secure a job. I realize this subject is a little off-topic for MentalEmotionalHealth.com, but I wanted to give a few brief ideas on interviewing that have helped me.

I actually like the interview process. Interviews can be nerve-wracking and intense for job seekers, and I used to feel that way. What changed my entire outlook on the process was reading one of the Knock ‘Em Dead (by Martin Yate) resume/interview books years ago. There was a section that discussed good questions to ask prospective employers at the end of interviews. Once I had looked them over, something clicked: I can interview the interviewer!

From that point, the first part of interviews felt much less pressured because I knew I would have my chance to put them on the spot. I started  using a few direct, open-ended questions for them such as:

• What first attracted you to this company?
• What keeps you here?
• What do you like most about the people here?

The impressive employers know the answers to these questions pretty well and are comfortable answering them. If employers seem rattled or wonder why you are asking, that might indicate a few concerns about the work environment. You can always ask follow up questions if you want certain things clarified.

Best wishes to all of you that are job-searching.

Happy Holidays to all of you celebrating them. I am glad the days are starting to get longer now that the Winter Solstice has passed. Just the thought of that helps a little each time I go out to shovel snow.

Here’s a thought I had this morning, and I don’t know if I’ve heard or read it before: Don’t just work at something, work through it.

I read up on a possible link between dehydration and headaches recently and want to list this interesting article. It provides some good reasons to stay hydrated. The link is: http://nutrition.about.com/od/hydrationwater/a/Water_headaches.htm 

Have a great weekend everyone!

If asked, people tend to identify themselves as more intellectual or more emotional, or a balance of the two. For those of you that are balanced, well done.

For the rest of us, the favoring of intellect or emotions sometimes can lead us to worry that the other one is a weakness. This is a “mental vs emotional” approach. Consider using a “mental and emotional” approach.

People who are deep thinkers, or just thinkers, might see emotions as getting in the way of rational thinking. That can be true. When someone is overwhelmed it is certainly difficult to maintain clear, rational thinking. On the other hand, emotions are a part of us as humans and serve as a source for enjoyment, meaning, and can also be a type of warning system. People who tend to be more emotional might frown on not being able to feel their emotions if they are mentally focused on something.

The key is to allow both mental and emotional functioning to exist together. To do this, it may as simple as giving yourself time for each. If you wake up tomorrow morning and your emotions are already in high gear, allow them to be intense for a few minutes and then acknowledge that you can step back mentally and add some rational thought to the emotions. If you have spent the day concentrating on work or other tasks but haven’t taken the time to acknowledge your emotions, slow down for a few minutes and let them in.

It is okay to feel and it is okay to think. Try to find your own balance with both.