The Mental Emotional Health Blog

I like simple reminders like anagrams. Here is one (called “LIST”) about communicating and being supportive of another person.

L - Listen closely

I - Identify what the person is thinking and probably feeling

S - Summarize back to the person what you are hearing

T - Tell the person something supportive, whether it is a personal compliment, an acknowledgment of the difficulty of his or her situation, or agreeing with what he or she said.

Accepting compliments is essential to healthy self-esteem. Believing compliments is also important, but that won’t happen anyway if you’re not even accepting them. Here are some simple things to remember:

1. Say “Thank you”, or “thanks”, or “I appreciate that”.
2. If you know your self-esteem is low, you don’t have to worry about an overabundance of pride, so don’t minimize or argue with the person giving the compliment. Avoid saying things like, “Not really”, “No big deal”, “I don’t see it that way”, or “You’re just saying that”.
3. Do not tell yourself things like, “They just don’t know me.” Compliments are often behavior-based or fact-based, such as “Nice job on the project”, or “I like your shoes”. So again, don’t argue with the compliment internally.

If you want to start believing compliments, after you say “thank you”, ask yourself, “What if you are right?” Honestly consider it being at least possible.

Have you ever noticed times when someone tells you something dramatic or even outrageous, and then pauses . . . as if you’re supposed to respond a certain way? Have you ever caught yourself saying something and waiting for the big reaction (after they have read your mind)?

Problem is, unless you know someone really well including the mood the person is in at the time, you are assuming the person will react only one way. That’s what I call a poor use of speaking for effect.

Some ways you can tell another person is speaking poorly for effect are when you notice yourself thinking, “Where is this going?”, or “And the point is what?”, or there’s just an unpleasant silence where you look blankly at each other.

If you want a certain reaction, prepare the other person by saying something like, “I want to know if you feel the same way I do on this one . . .” and then say what you’re going to say. That will at least let them know you’re looking for them to share their thoughts/feelings, instead of wondering what your point is.

I’m a firm believer that neither person in a relationship should be held accountable for their mood for the first 30 minutes after waking up. It’s rare that a person’s brain is at full capacity, with the adaptability to perfectly navigate a conversation with a loved one.

That doesn’t give anyone the excuse to criticize, yell, demean, or abuse anyone for that first half-hour. I’m just talking about moodiness that may include groaning, yawning, sour facial expressions, empty stares (not directly at anyone), and grumbling to yourself audibly.

Why do people engage in small talk? Here are some possibilities:

• It’s a way to ease into deeper/intense subjects
• To avoid a specific topic
• To avoid talking about themselves
• To get an idea of someone else’s mood
• Because they want to talk to someone, but aren’t sure exactly what to talk about
• To push through the anxiety of starting a conversation
• To read reactions and get a quick assessment of another person
• To create a common tone or mood

It seems that younger children do not small talk much. They seem to get right into what they want to say a good part of the time. Maybe that’s why I like talking to children. Maybe that’s why kids act confused sometimes when grown-ups around them are small-talking instead of really talking.