The Mental Emotional Health Blog

Teenagers are famous for being difficult to talk with at times. Some of them are experts on changing the subject, talking in circles, or being literal to annoying levels. Teens don’t have a monopoly on avoiding the point of a conversation, but I will use that age group as an example today. Just remember that not every teen fits into this grouping.

A great understanding I gained during graduate school was the idea of content vs process in communication. Content is the “what”, process is the “how”. When a parent/guardian talks to their teen, there are times a parent says something like, “We need to talk about . . .” The parent is focused on a subject (content), whether it is a messy room, refusal to do homework, use of inappropriate language, or concern about alcohol/use.  The teen can disrupt the conversation by focusing on how the conversation happens (process) instead of what the subject is. Since I love example dialogues, I’ll provide one below. The italicized statements are the thoughts behind what the teen says:

Parent: We need to talk about your grades.

Teen: I don’t want to talk about my grades.  I don’t want to talk about my grades, so I’ll ignore the “need” part and switch the conversation to what I don’t want instead.

P: I know, but we need to figure something out. You’re failing 2 classes.

T: Not anymore. I brought those up already. They didn’t go for the need-want switch. No big deal, I’ll just use a different angle.

P: But I just called your math teacher yesterday, and she said you still have 8 assignments missing. Don’t lie.

T: She hates me, you know. She told me. This is just a matter of time, now. I can easily misdirect the topic to the teacher, the actual number of assignments missing, or create an argument about lying.

P: She doesn’t hate you, honey. She actually sounded very nice and wanted to help.

T: Yes, she does hate me. You don’t know what class is like. I’ll play this teacher thing out until they catch on and try to get back to the main point. But I also threw out a truth my parent can’t dispute: my parent doesn’t know what it is like in class. Let’s see if they take the bait.

P: Okay, I still don’t think she hates you. But getting back to these assignments, how can you have missed 8 this quarter?

T: I’m not missing 8. It’s more like 5. Well, parent didn’t take the bait on knowing what class is like. So I’ll dispute the actual number of assignments. We’re nowhere close to me actually having to show responsibility or create a plan. We’re just arguing details. It’s so easy. And the frustration is rising, which will help.

P: That’s not the point! I don’t care how many you haven’t handed in yet, you need to hand them in and stay on top of this!

T: Oh, so you don’t care. Nice.  Frustration is going well, now I need to move it into anger and I’ll start working on ending the conversation so I can play video games.

P: Oh, don’t you dare do that. You know what I meant. Either you start handing these in or we’re unplugging the XBox.

T: You can’t do that! This is so stupid. That’s not fair. This is stupid. Now I’m going to really cross the line. I’m waiting for the verbal cue so I can react instead of starting it.

P: Alright, let’s try to be respectful here.

T: Awesome, here we go!  Well, it’s total bullsh–! First my teacher lies. And yes, she does hate me. She waits for me by the door and marks me tardy if I’m even 1 second late! I’m sick of all this! I don’t want to be around you right now! And I’m not giving respect because I never get any respect!! Once the word respect comes up in any form, it’s a wall I can knock over. Parents tend to lose all arguments with respect as the topic.  We have touched on several different subjects instead of the original point parent started with, and later I can still say we already talked about school.

The conversation can keep going from here, or can end somehow. Notice how the teen continually shifted the point, while the parent was stuck on individual topics. The teen became more confident as the parent got more frustrated.

What can parents do?

1. Determine a clear purpose for yourself before starting the conversation.
2. Start with one point and stick to it for the conversation, redirecting back to the topic. One way to do that is to say something like, “We can look at that once we’re done with <first topic>.” Just don’t forget.
3. State your point and then listen as much as is appropriate to the conversation. Whoever talks more generally loses power in communication.
4. Find a way to give a specific compliment. It helps a parent to avoid the whole “I can’t do anything right” argument before it starts.
5. Manage your emotions better than your teen. A teen senses verbal victory when the parent starts to have a grown-up tantrum.
6. Don’t take the bait of the profanity and respect arguments while discussing another topic. Those should be separate conversations anyway.
7. Try to figure out what the teen is avoiding.

Many parents focus on content at the expense of noticing how the conversation process develops. Increasing your awareness should help.

I’ve been asked to give a few short presentations in a couple weeks at my workplace about Diffusing Emotional Situations. So I decided to write out some ideas here first.

It can be really tough to deal with a emotional person in a workplace, or anywhere else. For the presentations I will focus most on diffusing anger, although intense sadness and fear can come into play in certain situations too.

When you are faced with an angry person, you do have options. And that is also one of the most important things to remember for diffusing emotions: providing an emotional person with options. When a person feels stuck in a situation (no options), emotions can often intensify to the point that reasoning is severly decreased.

So here are a few tips on diffusing anger:

• Speak somewhat slower than the other person.
• Talk with an even tone, which means keeping your volume and inflections in the average range.
• “Listen with your eyes”. Using good eye contact lets the person know you are listening.
• Focus more on either the situation or the person, depending on which seems better in bringing down the anger levels or intensity.
• Act matter-of-fact and boring. It’s tough to stay angry with a boring person in front of you.
• Provide options. You will probably be the more rational one in the situation, so you have the better chance at presenting an option the other person didn’t consider.
• Emphasize the fact that you want to help.
• General statements like, “That’s tough” , or “That’s no fun”.
• Try to get on the same side by using “we” instead of “I” or “you”. (Example: “Okay, how are we going to figure this one out?”)
• Take time afterward to de-stress, relax, do some deep breathing, or whatever works for you. Dealing with strong emotions isn’t easy, and your body and mind need time to come down from the experience and readjust.

Remember: there are always options. Take care everyone!

I decided to stray a little from the world of mental health today and add some variety. A while ago on my sports-related blog on SportingNews.com (link is on the right of this page), I posted an entry on how some people on sports radio talk. I’ll adjust it a little, so if any of you have ever heard someone “talking sports” and it didn’t make sense, this should help. Also, if you want to sound like you understand sports without having to spend a lot of time immersing yourself in it, this will help. Believe me, there are many sports analysts that love hearing themselves talk and have learned little phrases to make themselves sound smarter. Here’s my list of 10:

1. “I mean, here’s a guy who . . .” This phrase is used to add weight to a point you’re trying to make. It’s much easier to say, “Derek Jeter is a leader and a clutch hitter”, but that’s boring for sports talk. It’s more sports-like to say ,”I mean, here’s a guy who’s a leader, and a clutch hitter.”

2. “You look at . . .” Again, just a phrase that adds to a point, probably an obvious one. This phrase is used several times a day in sports radio.

3. “I’m forced to consider . . .” This is a lot like #2. Again, you’re probably emphasizing an obvious point, as if you’re using your intelligence.

4. Using athletes names as if they are general nouns. Anyone can say this, sports fan or not. As long as you get the right position, you’re safe in talking about anyone. Example: “He’s never going to be a Brett Favre, or a John Elway, or even a Tom Brady.”

5. A continuation of #4 is using the plural form, as if several of each sports superstar actually exist. Examples: “Teams need guys like this, you know the Kobe Bryants and the Michael Jordans and the David Robinsons.”

6. This one takes a little homework, but the internet has tons of stats from all sports. Use a stat from last year, something around the drive to the playoffs, and relate it to this year. “Last year in the month of August, this baseball team hit .348, which was tops in the NL. This year, they’re hitting .252 through August 25th.” No one can dispute your point because no one cared enough to actually look it up before you said it, and probably won’t afterward. (Note: In case you didn’t know, in baseball .252 is spoken “two-fifty two”.)

7. Treat the obvious as if it isn’t. Examples would include: “You know, the Celtics are the Celtics.” “Bill Parcells is gonna be Bill Parcells.” “If this team can’t score points, they’re just not going to beat anybody.” “Ahman Green isn’t hitting the holes because there aren’t any.”

8. “That said . . .” Ahhhh, this one’s a beaut. These two words allow you to make two points at the same time, probably in an attempt to sound like you’re looking at a topic intelligently. You can even contradict yourself if you want. Example (also using the obvious method in #7): “Notre Dame is a team that really struggled on defense last year, and now they’re without Brady Quinn and other important players. That said, Notre Dame is Notre Dame so they might surprise some people.”

9. Ask a simple question and throwing in a important-sounding but pretty much isolated stat. “How can this team have the best average starting field position in the league and still not score points?”

10. Just answer your own question. “How did this guy pitch 235 innings during the regular season and still have enough in that arm to throw a complete game in the 2nd game of the World Series? I’ll tell you how: superb conditioning and he’s just a freak of nature.”

I hope you enjoyed my departure from the norm today in the Mental Emotional Health Blog, and as always I welcome your comments. Thanks for stopping by.

Two components of communication are speaking and listening. Although I plan to concentrate more on listening as this website develops, today I’ll start with speaking.

Speak with purpose.  What you say and the way you say it guide/drive communication.  Recognize that people think ahead based on what you say and how you say it.  Many, and I’m still guilty at times, form their response before the message is even complete and jump to conclusions. A great example of this is game shows in which the host warns the players to listen to the full question before answering. It happens every so often that one contestant buzzes in too early, and gives an incorrect answer because the last part of the question is the key to the answer. In everyday life, we aren’t in the spotlight of a game show, but in my opinion the communication we have with friends, loved ones, and co-workers has great importance. The interactions we have influence our moods, thought-patterns, motivation, relationships, and decisions. 

Have you ever had a conversation in which you ended up on a completely different topic than what you wanted to discuss? Obviously, people have directions in conversation that they would like to take. But if you make your purpose clear at the beginning, the focus of conversation has a much better chance of remaining on the original topic.  Help them get a better understanding of you and your perspective.

Speaking with purpose doesn’t take much time, and can make conversations more productive and less frustrating.