The Mental Emotional Health Blog

Feeling overwhelmed is rough. Your emotions cloud your rational thinking, decision-making and problem-solving skills. Your energy tends to drop and fatigue can set in, or energy remains but is more restless and unfocused. You can be exhausted but have trouble sleeping. On a deeper level you may doubt yourself, which affects everything.

There are times that one part of your life that is overwhelming, whether it’s a valued relationship, parenting, school, a full daily schedule, work, dealing with a co-worker or boss, finances, grieving a loss, being a caregiver, or coping with memories. But many times, several or all of the above may happen at once or within a short amount of time.

There is always hope, and there are some phrases that are cliche but still provide comfort and direction:

• “One day at a time” - You can adjust this to one hour or even one minute at a time if you need to.
• “No one is an island.” - The cliche uses “man”, but the point is that you don’t have to do everything by yourself. Allow or ask someone to help you when you need it.
• “Rome wasn’t built in a day.” - Projects and responsibilities take time, and they don’t always fit into neat, exact time-frames. Don’t blindly expect them to.
• “Just do it.” - Thank you, Nike.

Other ideas for what to do when you’re overwhelmed:

• Take care of yourself. If you do, you will have more energy, more focus, and more patience to get through difficult times.
• Connect with your spirituality. There is strength in faith when you feel like you have little or none yourself. And it’s interesting how that spiritual strength, even if it comes from outside of you, often seems to become your own strength.
• Prioritize what you need to do. Make a list of essential things to do that day, no more than 7. These are 7 things you absolutely need to finish, start, or at least work on. If you can check all those items off the list then #8 is to make another list, taking into account your frame of mind, energy level, and time left in the day before getting decent rest for tomorrow. Another great thing about lists is you don’t have to use your overwhelmed mind to remember details, which often wears you out even more.
• Break things up into pieces, which is easier than tackling something big all at once.
• Change your perspective whether it’s reading a book, listening to music, watching something humorous, talking to someone, seeing your therapist, physician, or health-care provider, attending a martial arts or exercise class, going for a walk or jog, or meditating.
• Pick a direction. People frequently lose their personal sense of direction when they are overwhelmed. If there are things you need to accomplish, get started somewhere.
• Remember to eat and stay hydrated. Your mind and body need fuel for energy, and if you aren’t eating, are eating poorly, or are dehydrated, you are allowing the overwhelming feelings a good opportunity to stay around.

I’ll go back to one of the cliches above in closing: “No one is an island”. Ask for help. Everyone is busy, but overwhelmed is not a place you want to be, so allow someone to support you.

  

Have you ever wondered what you’re feeling? Sometimes it can be difficult to separate and identify one feeling.  So I’ve told clients over the years that feelings can be layered.

The top layer of feeling is what is expressed openly, or is clearly identified by a person if not being actively expressed. I’ll use myself as an example (hypothetical situation though). Number 1 will be the top feeling, and the underlying feelings follow:

1. I’m angry because the DVD player isn’t recognizing the DVD that the next episode of “24, Season 2″ is on, and I was really looking forward to watching it tonight now that the kids are in bed.
2. Before being angry, I was worried because my wife is on her way back from visiting her grandmother 4 hours away and it has been snowing all day.
3. Before that, I was angry because I warned her to be careful and not to push it when the roads might be slippery and dangerous.
4. Underneath that anger, I have been frustrated because she refused to go to the doctor to get checked out for the cough she’s had for 3 weeks, and then drove by herself to a place 4 hours away.
5. I’m actually afraid she might slide off the road or get hurt if another vehicle hits hers.

In this example, the layering breaks down like this: 

1. ANGER
2. WORRY
3. ANGER
4. FRUSTRATION
5. FEAR

Obviously, the DVD player is not the main concern here. But that can serve as both a trigger and an outlet for underlying feelings. Also, notice that anger came up more than once. People that are angry often may have a layered list of feelings that are more than 50% anger, which often is on top as well. That could be a reason why people who “need anger management” rarely express their other emotions; the other emotions are ignored or shifted to anger.

Short entry today, since I’m worn out after a long week.

As a therapist, I pretty much picture myself as a sponge. I soak up all kinds of stress, tension, and emotions each day in the therapy office. Most of the time, I can “wring” out  the thoughts I have about a therapy day once I walk out the door. So I don’t often think about clients away from the office. The tension and stress stay with me, and I need to deal with those things outside of work. Dealing with the mental-emotional residue is a lot easier to do if your clients are likable people, and thankfully most of mine are.

I’ve been asked to give a few short presentations in a couple weeks at my workplace about Diffusing Emotional Situations. So I decided to write out some ideas here first.

It can be really tough to deal with a emotional person in a workplace, or anywhere else. For the presentations I will focus most on diffusing anger, although intense sadness and fear can come into play in certain situations too.

When you are faced with an angry person, you do have options. And that is also one of the most important things to remember for diffusing emotions: providing an emotional person with options. When a person feels stuck in a situation (no options), emotions can often intensify to the point that reasoning is severly decreased.

So here are a few tips on diffusing anger:

• Speak somewhat slower than the other person.
• Talk with an even tone, which means keeping your volume and inflections in the average range.
• “Listen with your eyes”. Using good eye contact lets the person know you are listening.
• Focus more on either the situation or the person, depending on which seems better in bringing down the anger levels or intensity.
• Act matter-of-fact and boring. It’s tough to stay angry with a boring person in front of you.
• Provide options. You will probably be the more rational one in the situation, so you have the better chance at presenting an option the other person didn’t consider.
• Emphasize the fact that you want to help.
• General statements like, “That’s tough” , or “That’s no fun”.
• Try to get on the same side by using “we” instead of “I” or “you”. (Example: “Okay, how are we going to figure this one out?”)
• Take time afterward to de-stress, relax, do some deep breathing, or whatever works for you. Dealing with strong emotions isn’t easy, and your body and mind need time to come down from the experience and readjust.

Remember: there are always options. Take care everyone!

Parents get frustrated. Kids misbehave. You could probably throw those two nuggets in with the certainty of death and taxes.

In case you didn’t notice, I mentioned parents before children. Parents are the adults, so they have more responsibility. These responsibilities include providing food, shelter, clothing, etc. But just as important are the responsibilities of love, modeling good behavior and healthy habits, and appropriate emotional expression. Parents are supposed to behave and control their emotions before expecting that from their kids.

Of course, emotions parents have are often related to the misbehavior of their children. As a parent and therapist, I am very good at managing and/or hiding my emotions at work or in public. At home, I am not quite as good at managing my emotions. I’m not a raving lunatic or anything like that, but I do have flashes of frustration or anger daily. My kids are 4 and 1, and they do things they aren’t supposed to do. And that will frustrate me if I don’t find them really cute at the moment.

So when it comes to discipline, it is crucial to separate your emotions from acts of discipline. Children must understand that they are being sent to their room for a time-out because their behavior was out of line, not because the adult was upset. Once a child thinks the reason is linked to emotions, he/she will learn to work that angle quite well as they grow into their adolescent years. No wonder so many parents/guardians feel manipulated and that their children don’t make sense.

Be deliberate and consistent in telling your child he/she is important and valued after being sent to a time-out for misbehavior. Concentrate on disciplining the behavior and then support and compliment your child personally. Kids and teens (yes, teens too) need to get the message, “This behavior isn’t acceptable, but you are accepted.” Another important message they need to hear is, “Even when I’m mad, I still love you.” For those of you who really struggle with confidence when it comes to applying appropriate discipline, remember this: Children need unconditional love, not unconditional tolerance of behavior.