The Mental Emotional Health Blog

When it comes to taking care of myself, I admit I take it for granted sometimes. I encourage other people to practice good self-care, find time to relax, find some “me-time”, focus on breathing, or meditate.

And then there’s me. I have noticed that occasionally I fall into the myth that talking and thinking about wellness enough leads me to thinking I don’t need it as much myself. That looks silly to me when I actually write it out.

Today at lunch, I invested 10 minutes to just be quiet and focus on my breathing. I noticed my thoughts wandering quite a bit during those 10 minutes, which tells me I haven’t been giving myself enough quiet time/meditation for a while. So far (after lunch), I feel a little more calm and a little more control of my thoughts. But more than that, I am more aware of myself.

I guess this entry is an example of a therapist admitting his faults, and taking his own advice.

Sorry I haven’t posted in a few days, everyone. I usually try not to let more a day or two pass between entries here. But on to the topic of the day . . .

For some people, a lot of thought goes into making a decision. For others, maybe not. Today I want to present a method for making decisions.

If we aren’t viewing a situation or problem realistically, it will often be a challenge to address it accordingly. Realistic thinking is one way you could describe the concept of mindfulness, which has been quite popular in the mental health world lately. Basically it is a conscious awareness of “This is what is happening right now”, or, “This is the actual situation”. Once you have the reality of a situation established, add a positive or negative perspective to your perception. It’s like looking objectively or rationally, then looking subjectively. I would say politics uses this method but it’s done backwards. It seems in election years, the positive or negative ”spin” is created before an event or another candidate’s statement is even looked at.  Obviously that can prevent one candidate’s campaign from viewing anyone else’s point of view realistically. 

Anyway, once you assess realistically, and then characterize a situation or certain aspects of it as positive or negative, form a realistic plan to deal with it. Once you have a plan, assess how much effort you will probably put into it.

To list the steps simply:

1. Realistically assess the situation or problem (This is how it is.)
2. Decide whether you will use a positive or negative perspective (This is how I choose to feel about it.)
3. Form a realistic plan (This is what I can do.)
4. Commit to use the plan or not (I will do this or I won’t.)
5. Reassess the situation, as in step 1 (Where are things now?)

To use a specific example (hypothetical, by the way):

1. My spouse said this to me this morning in a loud voice, “You didn’t make the bed again this morning.” It’s true that I forgot to make the bed for the 3rd time this week.
2. I feel bad/negative because I keep forgetting to make the bed before going to work.
3. I could leave a bright green post-it note on the wall next to the bedroom door for myself saying, “Make the bed.”
4. I choose to make the note tonight just before supper so I don’t forget to.
5. <1 week later> I made the bed 6 days in a row, until the note fell off the wall and I forgot this morning.

At this point, #5 can become #1 and the process can be repeated until the problem is resolved or the situation is improved. And for those of you who like abbreviated reminders, the process could be: Realistic assessment, Positive/Negative, Realistic Plan, Commit, Realistic assessment, or  R, + -, RP, C, R  .

I hope this is helpful and if any of you try it out, let me know how it works for you.

Some are more careful in what they say than others. I’d guess most people I know think before speaking, but there are also some that make me wonder. But what we say and how we say it influences everyone around us. Almost 15 years ago, I made a personal commitment to be mindful of every word that comes out of my mouth. 

I’ll tell you right away, it wasn’t easy at all. At that time I used plenty of vulgarity and sarcasm.  I was also developing my spiritual life (interesting mix), and this scripture got my attention:  “If anyone considers himself religious and yet does not keep a tight rein on his tongue, he deceives himself and his religion is worthless.” - James 1:26 (New International Version). Since I was trying to grow spiritually, I couldn’t ignore that passage. And if that one wasn’t enough, there was another: “But I tell you that men will have to give account on the day of judgment for every careless word they have spoken.” - Matthew 12:36 (NIV)

So I tried to consider every word in my mind before I spoke it. Starting out it wasn’t perfect but I started to actually feel better about myself and others, which was an unexpected benefit. It wasn’t just an exercise to be more mindful anymore, or to “clean up” my language. So naturally when I failed, I got somewhat discouraged. And since it was a spiritual journey I was on anyway, I turned back to scripture. When I get discouraged, usually something from Psalms will help encourage and uplift me. Lo and behold (it sounds weird to say “Lo” without “and behold”), I found this: “Set a guard over my mouth, O LORD; keep watch over the door of my lips.” - Psalm 141:3 (NIV)

Well, I needed some divine help to straighten out my mouth, so that helped. Several years later, I am still working on being mindful of what I say. I still talk without thinking once in a while, but I don’t have to worry much about offending people. And here is one last scripture: “Even a fool is thought wise if he keeps silent, and discerning if he holds his tongue” - Proverbs 17:28 (NIV). There have been many times I’ve just kept my mouth shut.

Have a good day, everyone!

Do you find it difficult to “live in the present”, or do people around you sometimes accuse you of living in the past? Hopefully this will help: it is physically impossible to live in the past or the future.  That is because every moment has its existence in the present. This includes our thinking. Remembering, worrying, grieving, planning, and hoping all happen in the present, even if they are about events that happened in the past or might happen in the future.

Human memory is amazing. Through memory we are able to recall past events, hopefully learning from them and integrating them into what we do. Of course, memories can also be negative, possibly warning us of situations we do not wish to encounter again. There are memories that are clinically labeled as “intrusive”, from a past traumatic event or from some form of abuse. Sometimes the mind shuts off those memories that are too intense, painful, or confusing. This can last anywhere from minutes to years.

But whether memories are intruding on your daily life, or you are worrying about some future event, try to keep in mind that you can still focus on “right now”. I didn’t say it was always easy to accomplish. But by being aware that your thinking itself is an action in the present tense, maybe you can separate yourself from feeling stuck in the past or worrying about the future.

Have a good moment, everyone. Actually, I hope you have several.